rainbows and bacon bitches

Well, well…. it is Conversational Monday over at Becca’s little house of snark. I’ve never been very good at remembering actual things we said and I am not a fan of quoting what wasn’t said. However.. this one was captured on my IM because I forgot to update my settings. I’m not gonna lie and say I’m sad this time.

So I had a convo with a good friend I haven’t seen in a while. He is very quick witted (which is why you get no time stamps for my responses!) and all over the map. He is the co-founder of the Tri-Fecta of gus (more on that later). It’s got bacon, zombies, work, and more… It made me happy.

I would apologize for the length but fuck that, its my blog and I’ll post what I want…

Sars! howdy fine sir!!
Zimm Hola!
Sars! miss you and wifey’s faces! If you guys can’t make it Saturday we should plan a Pub date…
Zimm I’m heading out of town for a work conference and have to pick up the company owner so I probably won’t make it. But a Pub visit is always welcome : )
Sars! For sure! Maybe next week for hang time?
Zimm I will be back home Thursday. On a yummy note I have a Belgian Golden Strong* that should be ready soon.
*this is beer for those not aware
Sars! Um.., maybe I can make dinner and er, um you can um provide an adult beverage or something…. perhaps
Sars! : D
Zimm I’m  not above bringing beer to the Pub. I just make sure the Pub-stress gets some. And, I also have a nice *Class V clone from Kern River Brewing.
*again beer… hope you are getting the theme
Sars! sweet! But I was actually thinking come over and have dinner at the house… The Man does enjoy cooking and he is pretty good, not gonna lie. He really enjoyed talking to you at my party. He rarely says that kind of thing.
Zimm Cool, It is nice to have someone you can have an intelligent conversation with on a wide variety of topics. I just need to coordinate with the schedule keeper so I’m not double booking.
Sars! Whenever y’all can I would love it!! And he is a bit on the intelligent side (but he’ll never admit to it).
Zimm Stealth is always a good policy…. the way of the Ninja!
Sars! indeed… I may not look like much but I’m a pro at pretending to be a ninja.
Zimm The not looking like it is the master skill level.
Sars! that’s what I think! The trick is to wear clothes that aren’t restrictive… then if you need to flip in the air and boot someone to the head… DONE!
Zimm So you are also a student of ti quan leap. Not many learn so much so soon.
Sars! I study hard and train with masters…. I pay attention.
Sars! He’s an expensive sen-sa
Zimm But I take it he comes with benefits ; )
Sars! I am never aloud to discuss these things… He does not like it, it is not the ninja’s way… but yeah.. it’s pretty freakin awesome. He cooks, he cleans, he scrubs floors!
Zimm He is a man of many skills, I am not surprised.
Sars! He only takes one concubine, errr student at I time…
Zimm The better to hone your skills.
Sars! indeed, like a sword. It’s good stuff. ; )
Zimm All sorts of inappropriate sword comments are floating through my head and making it hard to concentrate on my work.
Sars! hehe, that’s why I left that there and did not proceed. I could have gotten gross!
Zimm I like the Hitchcock method plant some seeds and let the other persons imagination run with it. The results are usually spectacular.
Sars! indeed.. I’m learning these things. Although my writers block is really becoming a pain
Zimm Have The Man pick you up by the feet and swing you around until stuff comes out. Then sort through it and look for the gems.
Sars! that’s one way of doing it.. or we’ll be sorting through my lunch and I’ll be blacked out and remember nothing at all. Maybe I could lay on the bed and tap one side and see what comes out the other… sift through the ashes, because this job is killing me for real!
Zimm I have found if I leave my soul at home they can’t suck it out of me when I get to work.
Sars! bahahaha
Sars! I think I need to try that!
Zimm It is the only way I have survived this place for almost 10 years. Then you and your soul have something to talk about when you get home. Just don’t leave a credit card and the internet on or you will get weird things in the mail.
Sars! That is brilliant! Now I know why I got an angry birds keychain, a copy of the snuggiesutra and a pair of diabetic socks from amazon. The little bastard. I think it may need a kennel.
Zimm Make sure to put a toy in there or it will chew the bars.
Sars! cong with pb
Zimm good choice nutrition and entertainment!
Sars! He (I think my soul is masculine – kinda like a car) needs to be powered up. The weekend is coming
Zimm Go stand in the sun, it is kind of like solar panels.
Sars! Will I make the windows or mac powering up sound when I’m at full power?
Sars! Kinda like Wall-E, I need to know what to expect.
Zimm If all goes well sunshine will shoot out of your belly button at half power and your ears at full power.
Sars! But will rainbows shoot out my ass?
Sars! That would be entertaining, and make up for the shitty work week all at once
Zimm Only if you forget to clench.
Sars! Well sometimes, even a proper girl such as myself needs to er let loose?
Sars! you know… rainbows and kittens bitches…
Zimm Just clear your path before you do to prevent harm to innocent bystanders. Unless there are vampires then fire away.
Sars! Is this something new? Do ass rainbows kill vampires?
Zimm Concentrated UV light, the vampire council has been trying to suppress this info for years.
Zimm It will also repel the Goth, way too much happy.
Sars! hhhmmm, I must investigate. If ass rainbows repel goth and kill vampires, what will it take to kill zombies? This could be the answer to the apocalypse! Unless I have to swallow real bullets… That shit ain’t happenin
Zimm Not sure it might buy you time or backfire (pun intended) and draw them to you. Only test in a controlled environment. Even cute zombies will eat your brain.
Sars! yeah… I think I’ll let people far more badass than myself test that out.
Sars! And I think people with wet-brain may be good candidates
Zimm Just follow the rules from zombie land and you will be OK.
Sars! I fully intend to.. Witchita would never have gotten my gun with her little scheme.
Zimm Is wet-brain what happens when you try to scrub memories from you brain and forget to towel dry? Never put your brain in the dryer, it will shrink.
Sars! nope… it’s when you drink non-stop for umpteen or more years and have no idea what’s goin on… I’m wondering if  Zombies will even eat those brains?
Zimm Only the ones that were alcoholics before they turned.
Sars! that’s what I was thinkin.
Zimm No one is safe from the zombie apocalypse!
Sars! I was tryin…
Sars! Maybe disguise? Skin suit ala buffalo bill?
Zimm I think that is just like wrapping yourself in Bacon. It just makes you yummy.
Sars! bahahahahaahah
Sars! I always say everything is better with butter bacon or beer!
Zimm Off to play in the bushes, beware the zombies!
Sars! beware of rainbows…


I’m Pretty Sure That it’s Fucksox Friday

Did you know there is an actual thing called a whirly-gig? yeah… its that wooden thing they stake into your lawn that has hands or feet or something that “whirl” around…. I myself thought I was a whirly-gig but it turns out I was in fact wrong.

So for this Fucksox Friday I take my cue from her Snarkness, and instead of waxing on and on about whatever.

sooo I’m pretty sure that,

…Ben Franklin was right and beer is proof that god wants us to be happy.

…no one should ever be able to wear Hypercolor again. PERIOD.

…if what doesn’t kill is supposed to make us stronger – my neighbor deserves a bigger set of biceps and a rockhard fucking ass.

…you shouldn’t walk around lookin like a whore on holloween, with your child in tow… save that shit for the adult party.

…my boss has no idea whatsoever. none. I am so overqualified that in about a week I could make her obsolete.

…love is love no matter who is giving and who is receiving. It’s sad that a piece of paper has become so fucking important.

…living in a small ass college town for the last 18 years has caused me to look at women differently and pretty much think that all of them are whoores between the age of 18 and 22.

…living in a small ass college town for the last 18 years has caused me to look at men differently and pretty much think that all of them are whoores between the age of 28 and 42.

…I hate the color yellow.

…if I hadn’t been so frightened as a child by so many bad things I would be a complete stoner.

…Bret Michaels should not be allowed anywhere near a microphone. Ever.

…I married satan’s spawn when I was 20. He left scars that still open at the most inopportune times 12 years after we got divorced.

…if I didn’t have those scars, I’d probably be an ugly person.

…fuckin Chuck Norris is a gangster and could take out Steven Segal any day.

…that I have been very recently influenced, loved and cared for by some amazing women (and men) I have never met and it has reminded me that we as humans are really basically good and become bad through our own choices.

…my cell phone has retarded me, as have calculators and computers… really. Do you know all your family member’s phone number’s by heart or have them written on paper??? that’s what I thought.

…I would love a shot of Jameson right now but also sure it would be a bad idea.

…that I have not had a mindPod shuffle the entire time I’ve been writing this list.

…Clowns are fucking SCARY!!!!!!!!!!

…there are some things you can never unsee: your parents fucking, your grandparents fucking, scatporn, the cross fucking scene from the Exorcist, some of the crap on awkward family photos and Human Centepede.

…the Abe Lincoln is the best type of beard. (I’ll shank you over this)

…Sushi, should be Japanese, Thai food should be um Thai and Chinese food should not contain msg.

…I love TOOL and think Maynard is a genius but do not want to have his babies, lick his shoes or any of the other ridiculous things I have seen people offer just to meet him. He’s a human, talented, but human. whatever.

…my mindPod smells like teen spirit.

…I love all kinds of music but cringe when Lynerd Sknyrd comes on.

…you should not get married because you are knocked up. Even if her/your dad threatens you. It rarely works.

…there is love at first sight, sometimes the least likely couples actually have it figured out.

…you man can never be too good looking, your drink can never be too strong and you can NEVER have too many shoes.

not so much the shoes

This wasn’t supposed to be my post.

I have some funny shit about my shoes – and how I don’t have a fetish, just maybe a little issue with self control on occasion. And I’m how even though the assassin thinks wives are better than cars I think that women are actually like cars.

But no.

That is not happening right this moment. Right this moment I have the shakes and I am in tears and why???? Because someone is escaping. It isn’t me. But its someone. She’s getting out. She is leaving the dark place that couldn’t manage its way out of a wet paper sack and going to a real job. Good girl. Good luck.I am still in tears and I am smiling at the same time trying ta answer the fucking phone and be perky…. yay.

I suppose I am not biding my time well enough and not accepting their bullshit well enough and not keeping my hands to myself and I keep running with scissors. Maybe I should look a little harder and remember the things I told myself like ‘If you don’t like something…. change it.’ And maybe, I shouldn’t write my resume in sharpie.

I suppose I need to breathe and just be today….


(sorry its long, but I love it.)

how about chartreuse?

“May I please have the one as shown through the rose colored glasses???”

“Yes the one with all the flowers and shiny happy people.”

“ No really, that’s the one I want.”

“Yes I realize it isn’t realistic, but I want it anyway.”

“Look, if I wanted your opinion, I’d give it to you. Just give me what I wanted and get out of my face!”

Where the hell are my rose colored glasses??? I seem to have misplaced them and I’d really like them back. I miss myself. The self that looks at things in a positive way and likes everyone, in spite of their obvious flaws. I miss the days where I smiled all the time and wasn’t so tired.

My problem is I know the cause, haven’t fixed it and am still sitting here writing about it rather than making the effort to fix it. The arm-pullers are in full force. I am that person that is torn between loyalty to self and misplaced loyalty to others. I stay at the job where I am under paid and under appreciated because of loyalty. I am a loyal friend. I am a loyal co-worker. I am also trusting in things I shouldn’t be trusting of.

I need to get the fuck out. I need to clean my shit off my computer, take my efforts and my talent and give it to someone who deserves it. I need to realize that my friend must come to terms with his own decision and that I can be supportive of him from the outside. In fact, it may be more supportive of me to be on the outside. I need to show these people what they will never see…. That I deserve better than this. That I am not a median income that the chamber of commerce has on a page. I am a hard working, intelligent, talented human being that has to go home at the end of the day feeling some degree of pride in what I did. I should be proud of where I work…. Not so much. I hate the fact that my day’s efforts will result in hundreds of thousands of dollars in profits and I will net $9.

Off with the rose colored glasses, I’m going shopping for some new ones. Maybe a nice shade of green or grey. Something to compliment my eyes.