not a resolution

Sitting at the pub while the man read the paper, I wrote what I thought was a decent post for today. I actually put it down on real paper with a pen and everything. But as is par, on my way home I got sidetracked. When I turned on the car and headed back, it took a few to realize there were no sounds coming out. I was deep in thought about a friend of mine and the bull shit she is being forced to deal with right now. So I turned up the volume…

“Just don’t waste all your years
Believing in the fear
You’ll choke out what’s alive and make
What’s wrong be all that’s real

I can see you’re weakened at the seams
And trying to swim upstream but can’t find a way”

It didn’t actually take the whole verse for me to know the song. Hell it didn’t even take more than a couple words. My friends face was flooding tears to my eyes because the whole song was in my head. I had to re start the song.


I’m sure you’ll learn to dance and drink and dream
But you might still feel lost

And I see myself in you my friend
But I would break where you would bend
I’m calling on what you defend and tonight I won’t hold back”

This song has significant meaning to me and honestly got me through some darkness. But hearing it now, all I could think of was my friend and her life. I could see her over the last few months and how the fear and stress has built upon itself layer by layer. I see her fighting in a constant swim upstream to keep what’s most important to her. I thought of how hard she works to prove to some douchenozzle what the rest of us already see, how he fights her and threatens her and uses fear as a tool to manipulate her. Fear is a powerful tool.

“Just don’t waste all your years
Believing in the fear
You’ll choke out what’s alive and make
What’s wrong be all that’s real

I can see you’re weakened at the seams
And trying to swim upstream but can’t find a way

So here we are again trying to hold back
The tides behind our eyes
Lucky ones trying to drink from both the wells we claim are dry
I guess I’ve found some freedom in
Embracing every time they pry

We’re both the same
You’re just like me”

The tears are rolling as I’m trying to sing along, and hit the back button again. I was reminded that I’ve been in this place, I’ve swam in this stream. I’ve been consumed by this fear and it’s sickening. For a moment I felt her pain and was crippled. I was in that moment and remembered my own fear. For a moment we were both the same.

“And when your skin finally sheds
You’ll find your nerves all in shreds
The price may be to keep your heart you’ll lose your head”

For me it took the physical act of shaving my head to keep my heart, to lose my fear (or some of it anyway) and lose my head or analyze less (ain’t gonna lie – not a lot less but I’m trying). I needed the reminded that I did this… I went through the work so that my skin could be shed. I made it out of the stream in one piece. I’m not sure what will happen to my friend. I am not sure of how things will turn out. She is barely at the river’s mouth and there are bears waiting in the water to catch her. What I am sure of is that she is not alone. No one should ever be alone doing battle with people that have evil inside. I know that she is loved and I have bear traps.

Oh, the song is The Odds by the band The Loved Ones…

a new year

my fingers are slurring their words. There have been drinks and sleepless nights and friends in need and drives from one end of the state to the other. Nothing matters except the present moment. Live each present moment wisely and earnestly… That has been my motto for the last 6 or more years.

with music in the back ground is often how I get ideas to start what becomes a thoughtful or rantish post…. whatever the case may be. We all have our favorites, don’t lie, I hear the Eric Carmen blaring from the back bedroom. (turn the radio up for that sweet sound…) And you with the hairbrush, you are not ze greatest singer in ze vorld and neither is celine…

The last week U2 has been non stop on the mindpod. (You know where I’m going with this don’t you?) I am not a fan of the whole Pop-Mart era and I have friends who stopped listening after Rattle and Hum, but there was a bit of redemption with Elevation so I continue to listen. But the classics remain my favorites. Thus a song that was written almost 30 years ago for a new wife while on a vacay in the Caribbean that became an anthem for not only the reunification of Ireland (a constant theme) but for the Polish Solidarity movement as well, is coursing through my mind… my veins.

All is quiet on New Year’s Day.
A world in white gets underway.
I want to be with you, be with you night and day.
Nothing changes on New Year’s Day.
On New Year’s Day.

I prefer it to be a love song and thing that the New Year will start with just that… love. The only thing that will make the any other meaning real, is just that… love.

yule blog (with a side of fd35)

Another year has passed, and we are one week from the magic baby day when the flying fur-beasts buzz about on the super-sonic, high powered, wonder-sled carrying the fat man that never seems to develop any kind of coronary disease… even though he spends his entire life gorging on the “four food groups” of candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup. Not to mention the 24 hour cookie eating binge that would cause even the Guinness World record holding cookie eating champ to turn and run. (Can you imagine some of the hockey-puck nastyness he must be forced to choke down?? So gross) Okay maybe the fat man and the magic baby aren’t bffffs, but if they were… maybe that would explain how the fantastic 24 hour world cookie tour of sooty cylindrical conveyances actually occurs.  Maybe the star shining in the night gives the super-sonic sled some umf and maybe the fat guy isn’t fat at the beginning of the night – pre cookie binge… he just gets that way as he wolfs them down house after house.

Okay, so I don’t so much believe in magic babies or flying fat men. Whatever… that’s another day. I do believe that winter is wonderful in that the cold reminds us to care for each other… Reminds us to be good humans even if you can only muster it for a day. Whatever it is, believe in what you want, believe in something…. I believe I have been loved and cared for beyond what I thought was possible.  I believe I am a lucky girl who has many things to be thankful for and much goodness to repay.
I have some friends to write good things about, some beer to drink (I believe beer is proof of life being great), some SRV to listen to, and some yule tide to make gay.
Happy solstice.

time to bake some pie

As we all know (okay maybe not we and maybe not know) the holidays aren’t my favorite time of the year. Too commercial and full of greedy bitches. But I will not digress today, that’s not what brought me here.

Today I remembered a favorite blog while thinking about the conflict in the Koreas and wondered if there were any photos posted there. There were. I also looked at the blog history and found myself in awe of the earth and her splendor. It reminded me that I am but a small spec in this vast universe. I may have whatever issues and problems but they are a fleeting moment. I can choose to pass through that moment and see the beauty that surrounds me. I am thankful for so many things. I have been fortunate in life that whatever darkness fall, the light comes soon after.

I hope the morrow is full of beauty, friendship and love.


…I want to smile and sing and dance naked in the rain
…I don’t love Friday
…Its just another ordinary day to work and do and be
…I don’t want to be happy and helpful and nice
…I just called to say I love you
…I think about all the beauty I haven’t yet seen
…I wonder if the best already came
…my tears are happy
…I want to listen to angry music really loudly and tell everyone who wants to hear pop to fuck off
…I want to go for a drive really fast and not worry that I will get a ticket
…I don’t want to be sleepy
…the grass isn’t greener on the other side, its perfect right here
…I want the words to be easier
…I want there to be more love


me: “So… whatcha up to?”

MO: “listening to polka”

me: “What? Where? Better yet… Why???”   “Nevermind, I think I found you”

Thus began a surprisingly fun and silly evening of beer, babes and well, you get the idea…

As I walked across the street into my favorite little writing spot, I realized my idea of siting with a beer and penning out thoughts of liking my dog (or even my coffee tale) more than people were going to be put on hold. The polka stylings would not have been enough, my favorite boys sitting in back may not have been enough… but group my favorite boys with not just polka stylings, but polka covers of some very unexpected tunes and well.. funny shit and good times.

There are some things you may expect from a fun polka cover band that are outside the norm. You expect lyrics to be changed to suit the German beer drinking bratwurst eating theme… You do not expect a ten minute drum solo in the middle of Ina Gada de Vida. You also don’t expect to be polka-ing while burning in a Ring of Fire. Hell, there were a ton of things I didn’t expect…. I didn’t know I’d be asked to Whip It good while Fighting for my Right to “drink beer!”.  Nor did I know a Sharp Dressed Man would be Jumping like David Lee Roth, I mean David Lee Brat while Mama got Her Squeeze Box. There was a White Wedding that was Too Sexy for the Humpty Dance; Someone was Puttin on the Ritz down a Country Road when they saw some Smoke on the Water so they decided they needed another Brick in the wall before calling in the “Bavarian Rastafarian” (I can’t make this shit up) to “Drink Two Beers” in the mornin, then Drink Two Beers at night. I think the only thing that could possibly be considered expected – and thats a huge stretch is the Ramstein song and that”s only because they are German.

For the most part I watched MILFs, cougars and children alike shake whatever they had. I laughed my (no existent) ass off and  hoisted my stein to a very fun evening. I guess the rant about stupid people will have to wait until another day. It is Oktoberfest after all and I have beers to raise, brats to eat and everybody needs to polka! or something like that.  I think I hear Iron Man… Polka gone Ozzy!!!! What?

deoderant, beer and boobs

The students are returning to my little town. The peace and quiet I have come to love is coming to a bad-driving, frat-boy thriving, bars filled with girls wearing too little clothing, coffee shop loitering, blinding, screeching,hipster-turn-wanna-be-hippy halt. Everyone is texting across the table, while trying to hold a conversation where “he was all…” and “she was like…” then “he was all..” and “like oh my gawd, she totally yelled at him.”

Whatever! I need another FD35.

jammin on the one

As the other white meat and I sat dabbing at our bleeding ears and wiping our eyes from all the laughing; it dawned on me that the reason the flag had thrown up on everyone was Labor Day! I’d been wondering if I had been wandering around in a drunken stupor for an entire summer and missed the 4th. Great Gus people! Who decided that making a skin tight mock tank out of a flag would look hot??? Well maybe Bubba, but since he was quick to share that he didn’t graduate that’s a clue of the man you’re gonna get. I think there is a whole grip of people that think holiday = rally time for team ‘merica (fuck yeah!). Wasn’t Labor Day originally (I say originally because, as most holidays have, its lost its true meaning) intended as a day to celebrate labor unions and workers rights? Now I guess it’s become a time for someone to sing Lee Greenwood way too loud and reeeallly off key. But she was sure to put emphasis at the end of every line my stomping her foot. (oh god bless the usa, and shake that tambourine) I think she was far more fun when she was doing some sort of country river dance thing without her shoes on (as if the outfit wasn’t bad enough on its own I had to watch the kmart feet jumping around the floor too!!) Where was I before my mad digression into “how the holidays have morphed”.. Oh yeah… so there I was, performing to perfection my favorite sport… Karejokey people watching! I honestly don’t think there is a better was to pull yourself out of a dumpy mood, short of leaving dead fish under the seat in your ex’s truck on a hot summer day. Oh wait, I’d never do such a heinous thing…. >: ) You can find every type of person in a dive bar that has a karaoke night on Sunday. All sorts of folks just want their 5 minutes in the spotlight…big-boobie blondie lookin for her kryptonite to deal with the earth movin under superman’s feet. Her heart was a lonely hunter… still trying to figure out what she was hunting exactly. My vote was for cougar bait for her friends birthday. But that friend slid right out of the booth and onto the floor so the bait and boobs were wasted. Leisure Suit Larry was trying desperately to have his way with Mrs. Brown’s daughter. She’s a firecracker. I think this dude hot tub time machined his way here 1978. Toothless Joe, who was incidentally waiting for a very important call on his bluetooth, but not so important he couldn’t ride dirty with some sweet young thang. The fully punk-rock, bar back that blew my mind when the country twang Clint Black started, was joined on the harmony by the karejokey mc, who had interjected himself every few songs but was lip-syncing at least part of the time (POSER!) wasn’t half bad. Mr. Tambourine man who got his license to bring that thing with him from the farm supply where he picked up his flag shirt, kept playing anytime he thought he should – whether the singer agreed or not. Someone else got a ticket to ride with his best friend’s wife, right after Alice found the white rabbit hiding beside the pool table and stole his fabulous shoes! I think his wife got pissed though because she and the best friend proceeded to make our ears bleed and some dogs started howling outside. Bar-Back gave a rebel yell in true William Broad fashion, while smoking outside the front door of the bar. Mr Brightside poured some sugar on me and she felt like a criminal wearin some hot shoes, then fell down and went boom. Finally, after making my immortal ears bleed it hurt so good that a drunk chic stole my bar stool. But meh, I got to have a friendly “discussion” about racism and politics. You know how I like light conversation… now where is Simon when I need him.

dizzy and clearly

“lost again,
broken and weary
unable to find my way…
tail in hand
dizzy and clearly
unable to just let this go…
I am surrendering
to gravity of the unknown
catch me
heal me
lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live”
…my words? No, I would love to find a way to put the words I can find here into lyrical standard. Until then I listen to music that reminds me or wakes me or gives me desire or makes me sad because that’s what I feel and damnit, that’s how I feel. Music has always been and remains my solace in those moments. What does that have to do with the price of eggs??? Nothing.
I am in a plane, headed to a family reunion and on my 15th hour of my day. In that 15 hours I’ve had time to think about many things that are happening in my life right now. I have spent more than 50% of my time lately as the ball, possibly 20% as the club and I’m stretching it to get my 30% as the player.  This is a step up from the 10% I would have claimed a month ago. What is inside that won’t allow us to let go of that shit that is so heavy that we are stuck. That muck that makes us stagnate into this place of familiarity that keeps us from growth and movement and most importantly; freedom to be happy.  I realize this has been my theme this year, but until I get the message… you get the message.  
One of these realizations over the last 15 hours is that my death grip on fear is and consequently control is screwing over my happiness big time. The more I surrender to the gravity of the unknown the more happiness has a chance of making its way in.  The more I surrender the more I will be caught by truth and life and the beauty that I’ve been blind too.   I have some major life decisions that will affect everything that happens in my future that needed making long ago. Fear has kept me from making those decisions.  Well sorta, I’ve talked about I should, I might, but never, I am going to, I signed up for, I said no to this person. I’ve kept people at arms length out of fear. I’ve sugar coated feelings out of fear.  Why?? Is this helping? No.  It’s the gravity of fear. Time to surrender to beauty, to life. It’s a scary place I don’t like. There could be demons in there I don’t want to see but how can I beat them if I don’t beat the shit out of them, right?? Its time to surrender to the gravity of the unknown and choose to live.
By A Perfect Circle