not playing in the cold

There is a sadness that is hanging thick in the air around me. That positive energy that once was is no more. I talk about it, I think about it, I say I will bring it with me and I do… but when the threshold is crossed the vortex of this place takes what was and removes all traces leaving only what is… sadness. Deep and seeded. I can site the people around me and the marked changes within them, within me. The closest friend I have in the world that surrounds me from 8 to 5 is falling, struggling, hurting, in pain. I hate it. This makes me feel all these things. Makes me want to sooth and protect and be the save-er. I can’t. I know this. I go too far, have gone to far. Those outside my inner circle point this out to me (painfully) – ‘you give too much… you take on guilt that you shouldn’t. you can’t fix things for everyone, and that’s okay.’ But is it okay? What if I want to fix it? I want it to be better, I want to feel better.

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
If you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from the mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I’m learning hard lessons. I asked for them, I almost begged for them. I threw my hands up and shouted ‘IS THAT ALL YA GOT!!!!‘ that wasn’t all, there is always more.

under the bridge

Sometimes when you look at photos you remember an amazing time in your life. It’s like re-living that second in time where you were feeling, whatever it was you felt. Here it is in front of you… so vivid and alive. There are the photos that remind you of that split second that you maybe wish hadn’t been captured. The “uh-oh” moment. The “what was I thinking wearing stripes with flowers” or “holy shit I had spinach in my teeth and no one told me” moments. (or worse, but we’re not going there right now) Maybe it’s snap-shots with people you didn’t really like or someone you don’t even know is in the background of your photo.. looking like they are supposed to be there, but….. no. These are the little moments that we can use to paper our walls and give our cubicles flare. We can post them anywhere and everywhere for our friends and not-so-much friends to see. We’ve entered our cyber world of myspace and facebook and livejournal. Where you are likely to stumble across pretty much anything, the possibility of seeing photos you didn’t know existed is very real. You can stumble onto a friend of a friends page and get smacked in the face with Hilda’s Dominatrix World… But that’s not what I mean either.

Today I was reading a post and checked the poster’s page. I saw photos I wasn’t ready for. Not in a “Cheaters- Caught you on tape!” sort of way. Rather a “wow, that’s an amazing image… of two people I didn’t want to view in that way” way. I saw photos of someone I love, am in love with, will probably always be in love with. Smiling and happy, doing things he should be doing, things you do with your girlfriend. Playful in the park, holding hands, a tender embrace. They were beautiful. She is a nice person, and she made him smile. I’m not the girlfriend in the photo. I’m the one that let go, that has to deal with the consequence of that now. I’m the one to sit on this side of the page looking at photos of memories that aren’t mine. I will hold the images in my memory… it’s my nature.

There haven’t been enough rocks yet, to let go.

draw a circle around my heart

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Last night I went to a show with my brother. This isn’t the first time I’ve been to a show with him, but it’s the first time we’ve made plans in advance and the first time it wasn’t going just to support a friend. We went to see Circle Takes the Square. I really like them, their music, the feel, their lyrics. They are… well, amazing, brilliant really. My brother and I have very different taste in music, but when he played this band for me I had to hear more. They take you from loud screaming crashing mania to melodic heart wrenching melody back up to the highest height then into a chant or ending in a round. Fucking brilliant.

As much as I loved seeing them live, it wasn’t the show that left me with a full heart. I watched the people around me, drank them in and took in their positive energy. And then I saw my brother. We weren’t near each other at this point as I dance in my place absorbed in my world and my own observation. He, on the other hand, dances with abandon completely taken by what he is hearing. So I watched him as I listened and moved to the music. I was in awe… I had tears in my eyes and at first I couldn’t figure out why. They just flowed down my cheeks. It wasn’t the music or anything like that… it was the sight of my brother, my best friend so passionate and free. If you knew him the passion part is easy, the free… not so much. I left the venue with raw emotions and a renewed respect (not that I’d ever lost any) for my brother.

This freedom is what I want. I want a passion that makes me dance with abandon. I want to run forward and never look back. I want more tear because of nights like this…

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check out their lyrics

how about chartreuse?

“May I please have the one as shown through the rose colored glasses???”

“Yes the one with all the flowers and shiny happy people.”

“ No really, that’s the one I want.”

“Yes I realize it isn’t realistic, but I want it anyway.”

“Look, if I wanted your opinion, I’d give it to you. Just give me what I wanted and get out of my face!”

Where the hell are my rose colored glasses??? I seem to have misplaced them and I’d really like them back. I miss myself. The self that looks at things in a positive way and likes everyone, in spite of their obvious flaws. I miss the days where I smiled all the time and wasn’t so tired.

My problem is I know the cause, haven’t fixed it and am still sitting here writing about it rather than making the effort to fix it. The arm-pullers are in full force. I am that person that is torn between loyalty to self and misplaced loyalty to others. I stay at the job where I am under paid and under appreciated because of loyalty. I am a loyal friend. I am a loyal co-worker. I am also trusting in things I shouldn’t be trusting of.

I need to get the fuck out. I need to clean my shit off my computer, take my efforts and my talent and give it to someone who deserves it. I need to realize that my friend must come to terms with his own decision and that I can be supportive of him from the outside. In fact, it may be more supportive of me to be on the outside. I need to show these people what they will never see…. That I deserve better than this. That I am not a median income that the chamber of commerce has on a page. I am a hard working, intelligent, talented human being that has to go home at the end of the day feeling some degree of pride in what I did. I should be proud of where I work…. Not so much. I hate the fact that my day’s efforts will result in hundreds of thousands of dollars in profits and I will net $9.

Off with the rose colored glasses, I’m going shopping for some new ones. Maybe a nice shade of green or grey. Something to compliment my eyes.