draw a circle around my heart

Image hosting by Photobucket
Last night I went to a show with my brother. This isn’t the first time I’ve been to a show with him, but it’s the first time we’ve made plans in advance and the first time it wasn’t going just to support a friend. We went to see Circle Takes the Square. I really like them, their music, the feel, their lyrics. They are… well, amazing, brilliant really. My brother and I have very different taste in music, but when he played this band for me I had to hear more. They take you from loud screaming crashing mania to melodic heart wrenching melody back up to the highest height then into a chant or ending in a round. Fucking brilliant.

As much as I loved seeing them live, it wasn’t the show that left me with a full heart. I watched the people around me, drank them in and took in their positive energy. And then I saw my brother. We weren’t near each other at this point as I dance in my place absorbed in my world and my own observation. He, on the other hand, dances with abandon completely taken by what he is hearing. So I watched him as I listened and moved to the music. I was in awe… I had tears in my eyes and at first I couldn’t figure out why. They just flowed down my cheeks. It wasn’t the music or anything like that… it was the sight of my brother, my best friend so passionate and free. If you knew him the passion part is easy, the free… not so much. I left the venue with raw emotions and a renewed respect (not that I’d ever lost any) for my brother.

This freedom is what I want. I want a passion that makes me dance with abandon. I want to run forward and never look back. I want more tear because of nights like this…

Image hosting by Photobucket

check out their lyrics

how about chartreuse?

“May I please have the one as shown through the rose colored glasses???”

“Yes the one with all the flowers and shiny happy people.”

“ No really, that’s the one I want.”

“Yes I realize it isn’t realistic, but I want it anyway.”

“Look, if I wanted your opinion, I’d give it to you. Just give me what I wanted and get out of my face!”

Where the hell are my rose colored glasses??? I seem to have misplaced them and I’d really like them back. I miss myself. The self that looks at things in a positive way and likes everyone, in spite of their obvious flaws. I miss the days where I smiled all the time and wasn’t so tired.

My problem is I know the cause, haven’t fixed it and am still sitting here writing about it rather than making the effort to fix it. The arm-pullers are in full force. I am that person that is torn between loyalty to self and misplaced loyalty to others. I stay at the job where I am under paid and under appreciated because of loyalty. I am a loyal friend. I am a loyal co-worker. I am also trusting in things I shouldn’t be trusting of.

I need to get the fuck out. I need to clean my shit off my computer, take my efforts and my talent and give it to someone who deserves it. I need to realize that my friend must come to terms with his own decision and that I can be supportive of him from the outside. In fact, it may be more supportive of me to be on the outside. I need to show these people what they will never see…. That I deserve better than this. That I am not a median income that the chamber of commerce has on a page. I am a hard working, intelligent, talented human being that has to go home at the end of the day feeling some degree of pride in what I did. I should be proud of where I work…. Not so much. I hate the fact that my day’s efforts will result in hundreds of thousands of dollars in profits and I will net $9.

Off with the rose colored glasses, I’m going shopping for some new ones. Maybe a nice shade of green or grey. Something to compliment my eyes.