letter unsent…

WOW!!! What a freeing feeling it is to shed the negativity that has plagued me for the past three and a half months (since they chopped my pay…everyone’s pay). I can’t believe how long I made it!!! (yay for drugs!!!). I don’t think I realized how much being unhappy at my job was affecting my physical well being. No more. I should know these things… we spend a full third (or more) of our lives in a box. When that box is made of walls of negativity it finds it’s way into your pores. Not anymore, not me. I am free (well, almost), just in time for my birthday. Happy Frickin Birthday to me!!!! And I’m not even scared. At this point if I had anything to lose it’s already been lost. Now on to working on finding balance, strength and renewing my faith. God knows these last months have all but shattered it.

So in quitting I wrote a very appropriate and professional (given what I do and who for) resignation letter. It was to two people specifically that I care about very much. They have been encouraging and fun to work with. The big boss has been a mentor and friend and is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever known in my life. I will miss the day to day contact we have, but I will see him often. We share a love of the ink and that is a very good thing. A brief excerpt:

Working with both of you has been my pleasure. I think I may have left months ago were it not for you and the unique relationships we have. We have been through a lot in the last year and I think that without your friendship I may not have made it this far. My overwhelming sense of connection to you is what has kept me here after losing the pres and my boss leaving. It has taken me some time to resign myself to the fact that it isn’t getting better. I’ve decided that no job is worth my health and mental well being.

I had to write the letter to them for several reasons… they are my immediate supervisors, but more importantly, I couldn’t write to ownership. I don’t think I could have figured out what to say. I would be at a loss for words given this is what was in my head:

Dear pompous, arrogant, self-absorbed, fuck-stick (stole that last one):
(oh yeah… that’s the managing partner)

I’d like to say that my time here at what I’ve come to know as “the vortex of hell” has been fun. I’d like to tell you that I’ll take many happy memories with me and that I leave here with a sense of accomplishment. I’d like to say that I leave feeling like I’ve been a part of something great and that it’s under a great cloud of sadness that I tear myself away. At one time we were a family company and we enjoyed coming to work. We appreciated one another and were sad at the idea of not working together. The truth is, in some ways I can still say all those things, but none of them apply to you.

A company is only as good as the people that make it. You are a very fortunate man in that you do not make the whole company. If you did you would have nothing more than a building full of empty promises and hot air. You walked through the doors a year ago with your carpetbag full of hopes and dreams that our futures would be bright… I suppose it’s my own fault for giving you credibility. But your mask of deceit gets thicker every day, and we all see through it’s jovial appearance. Your carpetbag is in tatters and we laugh because you think so highly of the false image you’ve created for yourself. In case you haven’t noticed the best you have in this company are leaving. This should throw up the red flag and make you realize that something is wrong and funny, it isn’t all of us.

I could go on and on but quite frankly you aren’t worth the effort. You haven’t earned enough my respect and I don’t really care to waste any more energy on you. However, I will say this (and you should really listen) money means nothing when it comes to relations between human beings. Your money will never buy you respect and it will never make you a better person. You are the one that has to answer for the broken promises and lack of ethics by which you conduct your life. We are people, not assets or “overhead”.

As for me, I’ll sleep much better knowing I no longer have give you respect you shouldn’t get simply because you were born to parents that earned something you didn’t.

Most sincerely,
another item in your loss column

Too much? Maybe I should leave it for him some weeks after I go. Regardless, I feel lighter and that’s good. It’s amazing… even my coffee tastes better.

maybe I need the phonebooth

When did dating change into hanging out? When did planning and forethought cease to be a part of the equation? I’ve heard that chivalry is dead and that women killed it…. I may be inclined to believe this is true. However, I won’t be satisfied without it. I was not a part of that group that decided men shouldn’t open the door or walk on the side closest to traffic or pull out your chair or help with your coat. I didn’t have any part in that and I don’t want someone who doesn’t know these basic rules of manhood. And I won’t be satisfied with “hanging out”. I’m not high maintenance – I get ready to go in 40 minutes including shower. But I have standards. I don’t want to settle. I did that once because I thought I should, or needed to, or that I was setting my standards too high. That relationship ended in the “we don’t talk and never will, I lost my ass and all I got was this lousy sweatshirt” section of my history book. (I kept the sweatshirt. I still wear it when I paint) The one that has the blank binding so my family doesn’t see it and it doesn’t get brought up anymore.


Anyhow…….. I had been anticipating Friday night. I wasn’t overly excited (I am a practical girl) but I was looking forward. We had talked in advance, even about this very subject. It was brought up about who makes plans (the one who does the asking does the planning) what I might like to do (always good to find out if I’m afraid of heights before you take me skydiving) where I would not like to go… This last one is key. Maybe even more key that my intense fear of being thrust from a plane at frightening speed. When you live in Smalltown, USA and you are a person who socializes in the community, you tend to know quite a few people. I’m not saying I am popular or anything like that, I just know a ton of people. I walk into my local watering hole on any given night and know probably half the people there and the bartenders. Smalltown. So I did not want to go to the pub. If you are trying to get to know someone, it is hard when you can’t talk to them because everyone else is coming to say hi. So I was let down. I did have a good time. I laughed a lot, drank a little lot and felt comfortable. But I was let down. It wasn’t what I had hoped or expected. There was nothing planned, I was asked where I wanted to go (we had totally talked about my not wanting to pick) and we ended up at the pub (thus the drinking).


I am not a person that dates much. I can count the number of actual dates I have had in my adult life on 1 hand (yes 1). I’m not counting the stupid stuff you do when you are 16, even then, I’m still on 1 hand. So maybe my expectations were too high. I know it wasn’t the right guy. (we’ll be great friends, but nothing more) Maybe I’m just sad that I don’t get taken on real dates. Maybe I am looking for someone that doesn’t exist. Maybe I need help. What’s a girl to do??? Online dating is out, blind dating is out that leaves meeting people. I’m not scared.


Chivalry…

Some of these work (even the top list…) some not so much. But you get the idea.
The Twelve Chief Rules in Love
From The Art of Courtly Love by Andreas Capellanus


1. Thou shalt avoid avarice like the deadly pestilence and shalt embrace its opposite.
2. Thou shalt keep thyself chaste for the sake of her whom thou lovest.
3. Thou shalt not knowingly strive to break up a correct love affair that someone else is engaged in.
4. Thou shalt not chose for thy love anyone whom a natural sense of shame forbids thee to marry.
5. Be mindful completely to avoid falsehood.
6. Thou shalt not have many who know of thy love affair.
7. Being obedient in all things to the commands of ladies, thou shalt ever strive to ally thyself to the service of Love.
8. In giving and receiving love’s solaces let modesty be ever present.
9. Thou shalt speak no evil.
10. Thou shalt not be a revealer of love affairs.
11. Thou shalt be in all things polite and courteous.
12. In practising the solaces of love thou shalt not exceed the desires of thy lover.

The Twelve Chief Rules in Love
From The Art of Courtly Love by Andreas Capellanus


1. Marriage is no real excuse for not loving.
2. He who is not jealous cannot love.
3. No one can be bound by a double love.
4. It is well known that love is always increasing or decreasing.
5. That which a lover takes against the will of his beloved has no relish.
6. Boys do not love until they reach the age of maturity.
7. When one lover dies, a widowhood of two years is required of the survivor.
8. No one should be deprived of love without the very best of reasons.
9. No one can love unless he is propelled by the persuasion of love.
10. Love is always a stranger in the home of avarice.
11. It is not proper to love any woman whom one would be ashamed to seek to marry.
12. A true lover does not desire to embrace in love anyone except his beloved.
13. When made public love rarely endures.
14. The easy attainment of love makes it of little value: difficulty of attainment makes it prized.
15. Every lover regularly turns pale in the presence of his beloved.
16. When a lover suddenly catches sight of his beloved his heart palpitates.
17. A new love puts an old one to flight.
18. Good character alone makes any man worthy of love.
19. If love diminishes, it quickly fails and rarely revives.
20. A man in love is always apprehensive.
21. Real jealousy always increases the feeling of love.
22. Jealousy increases when one suspects his beloved.
23. He whom the thought of love vexes eats and sleeps very little.
24. Every act of a lover ends in the thought of his beloved.
25. A true lover considers nothing good except what he thinks will please his beloved.
26. Love can deny nothing to love.
27. A lover can never have enough of the solaces of his beloved.
28. A slight presumption causes a lover to suspect his beloved.
29. A man who is vexed by too much passion usually does not love.
30. A true lover is constantly and without intermission possessed by the thought of his beloved.
31. Nothing forbids one woman being loved by two men or one man by two women.

research

stuff a sock in it old man!

It’s raining it’s pouring the old man is snoring……

I remember singing that song as a kid. It’s funny we have no clue that when it rains it really does pour. It doesn’t always have to be in the “shit! It’s all dumping on my head at once and I can’t get dry to save my life” kind of way. It can be in a “woah! Where did all these boys come from, when just yesterday there were none to be found in a 150 mile radius” kind of way. Good or bad right now I am soaked to the bone and I don’t see any buildings with awnings ahead and my umbrella won’t open.

On the downpour side…. Have you had that time at work or home where it doesn’t matter… it doesn’t matter how many good things you do, or what is positive that is produced from your cubicle, all that gets noticed or noted is the fuck-ups? I was late last week… almost everyday. I admit it, I was late… I can admit when I’m wrong (I had made known I didn’t, shouldn’t, couldn’t work at the ass crack of dawn, yet they made me anyway). 10 minutes or so, except one day that was a half hour. So I got a “verbal” warning… that I had to sign. How is that a verbal warning? If it is written down and nowhere on the paper does it say “verbal warning” then isn’t that a written warning? In the middle of the morning when I was dealing with a logistical nightmare, entering PO’s and running a report when I was asked to make a dinner reservation. I wrote it on a post-it and promptly forgot to do it. This could have been horribly embarrassing, except there were plenty of tables and all was well. But (there’s always a butt…) the boss felt the need to call me to tell me I forgot and how embarrassed he would have been, if there weren’t a table, but there was. Even the littlest mistake becomes huge. (maybe this is my karma for my “jeremiah was a bullfrog blog”. … if I deserve it I deserve it.) I think at some point there should be a break. Some things deserve to be noticed and dealt with accordingly. Others can be let go. Passive aggression people! Just don’t talk to me for a day and be fine on Monday… How hard is it really? I do good work. I am a producer. And there in lies the problem. We continue to produce and never get appreciated and never get thanked, yet we get cut down for our littlest mistake… but we STILL PRODUCE. What motivation does this provide?? Flip the coin and you’re fired and there’s the motivation. So I continue to walk in the rain. Maybe if I whistle no one will notice the little things. Ya think??

On the sprinkling with short bursts of sunshine side… It’s raining men. In my journal on Tuesday I wrote about this boy I met and how funny he is and how he asked me out on a date. (What is a date??? I thought this was a fruit that is way to sweet with a pit that breaks teeth… ) So I said yes. All day I thought about going out, but not in the overly excited way, just in a looking forward way. Then I wrote the following… Even still I think about BK and wish I didn’t miss WC. I put my journal down and started to read…. My phone started buzzing and it was a text from a boy I had met three weeks earlier. (I hadn’t gotten my hopes up, so I wasn’t disappointed when he never called…. hhmmm) We texted back and forth… he’s been gone for his job (this is usual for him) and will I be around next week… yup. Curious. The next morning I open my email to find a note from the one I miss. Telling me he misses me and thanking me for my Christmas gift – it’s come in handy on his vacation. He’d love to see me when he gets back. (We’ve remained friends, but I still feel the weight of my mistake in letting him go). Then a call from BK… (were they reading my journal????) and lots of texts and emails from the date?

The old man was waking up from his slumber on the home front…. The scales of home and work seem to be moving up and down… kinda like a see-saw. Now if I can find the balance to stand in the middle. Maybe I’ll use the faulty umbrella as a cane to keep me from falling and it will help with the step. If someone can teach me to whistle I’ll be doin really good and maybe, just maybe ….. all can be right with the world.


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maybe I’ll get a penny

So I had some random thoughts…

When did men start using product? I’m not even referring to the gay ones, but everyday regular guys… men’s-men even. When did it cease to be gel or mouse (or pomade for that matter) and become product? What “metro-sexual” guy started that trend that has now so deeply ingrained itself into our culture that I heard an 8 year old at the grocery store telling his mom he needed “product”. Every time I hear a man say product I wonder about this.

When did legwarmers come back into fashion? I can’t even elaborate… that designer should have to endure something painful…

Who the hell gets to decide who is a “cool new person” on myspace. These people are not cool. Most of them are idiots and I wouldn’t want to be their friend if I knew them in person. Can I be on that committee?? How do I score that job? That would be sweet. No more “Mr. Huggy” or “Kitty in my Pants” or “THE D money”. Oh no, no, no.

Where do all the socks go when the dryer eats them? One of my friends said they go to Guam… along with our loose change and missing puzzle pieces and toy parts we could never find. Is this true? Is there a place in Guam with some vast sorting facility and ginormous vacuum sealers where it’s someone’s job to keep our lost stuff?? If so… I’m goin to Guam, and I’m takin a big fat suitcase full of nothing. I’m going to retrieve my stuff. Otherwise… where does it go?

There are more things I’m wondering, but I’m tired.

not playing in the cold

There is a sadness that is hanging thick in the air around me. That positive energy that once was is no more. I talk about it, I think about it, I say I will bring it with me and I do… but when the threshold is crossed the vortex of this place takes what was and removes all traces leaving only what is… sadness. Deep and seeded. I can site the people around me and the marked changes within them, within me. The closest friend I have in the world that surrounds me from 8 to 5 is falling, struggling, hurting, in pain. I hate it. This makes me feel all these things. Makes me want to sooth and protect and be the save-er. I can’t. I know this. I go too far, have gone to far. Those outside my inner circle point this out to me (painfully) – ‘you give too much… you take on guilt that you shouldn’t. you can’t fix things for everyone, and that’s okay.’ But is it okay? What if I want to fix it? I want it to be better, I want to feel better.

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
If you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from the mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I’m learning hard lessons. I asked for them, I almost begged for them. I threw my hands up and shouted ‘IS THAT ALL YA GOT!!!!‘ that wasn’t all, there is always more.

under the bridge

Sometimes when you look at photos you remember an amazing time in your life. It’s like re-living that second in time where you were feeling, whatever it was you felt. Here it is in front of you… so vivid and alive. There are the photos that remind you of that split second that you maybe wish hadn’t been captured. The “uh-oh” moment. The “what was I thinking wearing stripes with flowers” or “holy shit I had spinach in my teeth and no one told me” moments. (or worse, but we’re not going there right now) Maybe it’s snap-shots with people you didn’t really like or someone you don’t even know is in the background of your photo.. looking like they are supposed to be there, but….. no. These are the little moments that we can use to paper our walls and give our cubicles flare. We can post them anywhere and everywhere for our friends and not-so-much friends to see. We’ve entered our cyber world of myspace and facebook and livejournal. Where you are likely to stumble across pretty much anything, the possibility of seeing photos you didn’t know existed is very real. You can stumble onto a friend of a friends page and get smacked in the face with Hilda’s Dominatrix World… But that’s not what I mean either.

Today I was reading a post and checked the poster’s page. I saw photos I wasn’t ready for. Not in a “Cheaters- Caught you on tape!” sort of way. Rather a “wow, that’s an amazing image… of two people I didn’t want to view in that way” way. I saw photos of someone I love, am in love with, will probably always be in love with. Smiling and happy, doing things he should be doing, things you do with your girlfriend. Playful in the park, holding hands, a tender embrace. They were beautiful. She is a nice person, and she made him smile. I’m not the girlfriend in the photo. I’m the one that let go, that has to deal with the consequence of that now. I’m the one to sit on this side of the page looking at photos of memories that aren’t mine. I will hold the images in my memory… it’s my nature.

There haven’t been enough rocks yet, to let go.

draw a circle around my heart

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Last night I went to a show with my brother. This isn’t the first time I’ve been to a show with him, but it’s the first time we’ve made plans in advance and the first time it wasn’t going just to support a friend. We went to see Circle Takes the Square. I really like them, their music, the feel, their lyrics. They are… well, amazing, brilliant really. My brother and I have very different taste in music, but when he played this band for me I had to hear more. They take you from loud screaming crashing mania to melodic heart wrenching melody back up to the highest height then into a chant or ending in a round. Fucking brilliant.

As much as I loved seeing them live, it wasn’t the show that left me with a full heart. I watched the people around me, drank them in and took in their positive energy. And then I saw my brother. We weren’t near each other at this point as I dance in my place absorbed in my world and my own observation. He, on the other hand, dances with abandon completely taken by what he is hearing. So I watched him as I listened and moved to the music. I was in awe… I had tears in my eyes and at first I couldn’t figure out why. They just flowed down my cheeks. It wasn’t the music or anything like that… it was the sight of my brother, my best friend so passionate and free. If you knew him the passion part is easy, the free… not so much. I left the venue with raw emotions and a renewed respect (not that I’d ever lost any) for my brother.

This freedom is what I want. I want a passion that makes me dance with abandon. I want to run forward and never look back. I want more tear because of nights like this…

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check out their lyrics

how about chartreuse?

“May I please have the one as shown through the rose colored glasses???”

“Yes the one with all the flowers and shiny happy people.”

“ No really, that’s the one I want.”

“Yes I realize it isn’t realistic, but I want it anyway.”

“Look, if I wanted your opinion, I’d give it to you. Just give me what I wanted and get out of my face!”

Where the hell are my rose colored glasses??? I seem to have misplaced them and I’d really like them back. I miss myself. The self that looks at things in a positive way and likes everyone, in spite of their obvious flaws. I miss the days where I smiled all the time and wasn’t so tired.

My problem is I know the cause, haven’t fixed it and am still sitting here writing about it rather than making the effort to fix it. The arm-pullers are in full force. I am that person that is torn between loyalty to self and misplaced loyalty to others. I stay at the job where I am under paid and under appreciated because of loyalty. I am a loyal friend. I am a loyal co-worker. I am also trusting in things I shouldn’t be trusting of.

I need to get the fuck out. I need to clean my shit off my computer, take my efforts and my talent and give it to someone who deserves it. I need to realize that my friend must come to terms with his own decision and that I can be supportive of him from the outside. In fact, it may be more supportive of me to be on the outside. I need to show these people what they will never see…. That I deserve better than this. That I am not a median income that the chamber of commerce has on a page. I am a hard working, intelligent, talented human being that has to go home at the end of the day feeling some degree of pride in what I did. I should be proud of where I work…. Not so much. I hate the fact that my day’s efforts will result in hundreds of thousands of dollars in profits and I will net $9.

Off with the rose colored glasses, I’m going shopping for some new ones. Maybe a nice shade of green or grey. Something to compliment my eyes.