When something breaks your writers block… speak! I just did my taxes for ’06. Can we say wake up call??? Yeah (shaking head in sadness). It’s very defeating to realize that you made 14 thousand dollars less than the year before. Yes that was one four. The $7,000 pay cut doubled because of time lost. Spending time without pay sucks ass! There really is no way around that. The last few days have brought some low blows, I’ll admit it. I lost a whole lot more than money last year (and I’m no – not referring to my hair). The whole year was a melting pot for loss, mixed with sadness and shame, brokenness, smashed feelings and hurt pride. Cooked over the flames of struggle with self defeat. A stew of negative emotion completely different than I’d ever been made to force down my throat. HOWEVER, it wasn’t all bitter. In between bites of sour, foulness were moments of tender friendship, new beginning, the amazing taste of self discovery and the spicy depth of change. I experienced a challenge to my palate, and I’m still recovering.
Saturday I listened to my brother place nails in the coffin of a friendship I held out hope hadn’t died. (pardon me while I generalize about men and forgive those of you that I love that fall outside – well outside of these statements) Sometimes boys (men) don’t realize their words are painful, that what they’re saying, as harmless as it seems is shredding to my heart. The little details of the party they’re going to that you aren’t, in a land of non-closure are making you tear up behind your rock-star shades. Listening to the sober driver arrangements (that was your job of past) is ouchy. Know that the friends that are talking are all people you once made arrangements with – but now don’t have anything to do with you. They’ve chosen someone else to be friends with and not made room for two. (thanks for the latitude) The worst part of all of this isn’t the words, or the party or the arrangements but the lack of closure. It really hit me on this day – such an important day in the life of a friend, a milestone birthday. My tears flowed over the whys I don’t know and the understanding I don’t have and never will. Last year the party was taken care of by me. Arrangements were made, little details taken care of, people safely driven home, so many laughs had. The coffin is closed.
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends
I will bury it next time I am with the people who love me most and have shown me the give part of give and take (I didn’t know that went both ways!!!). Those amazing beautiful souls that were waiting to catch my spirit as if fell, fell, fell.
Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
I suppose that stew turning out okay. I keep mixing, and adding and mixing and adding. Eventually it will be just right.
Maybe we’re the lucky ones
‘Cause we can choose to turn it off
Maybe we’re the lonely ones
‘Cause we decide to shield what’s soft
I’m sure you’ll learn to dance and drink and dream
but you might still feel lost
And I see myself in you my friend
but I would break where you would bend
I’m calling on what you defend and tonight I won’t hold back
Just don’t waste all your years
believing in the fear
You’ll choke out what’s alive and make
What’s wrong be all that’s real
I can see you’re weakened at the seams
And trying to swim upstream but can’t find a way
So here we are again trying to hold back
the tides behind our eyes
lucky ones trying to drink from both the wells we claim are dry
I guess I’ve found some freedom in
embracing every time they pry
We’re both the same
You’re just like me
And when your skin finally sheds
You’ll find your nerves all in shreds
The price may be to keep your heart you’ll lose your head