This wasn’t supposed to be my post.
I have some funny shit about my shoes – and how I don’t have a fetish, just maybe a little issue with self control on occasion. And I’m how even though the assassin thinks wives are better than cars I think that women are actually like cars.
That is not happening right this moment. Right this moment I have the shakes and I am in tears and why???? Because someone is escaping. It isn’t me. But its someone. She’s getting out. She is leaving the dark place that couldn’t manage its way out of a wet paper sack and going to a real job. Good girl. Good luck.I am still in tears and I am smiling at the same time trying ta answer the fucking phone and be perky…. yay.
I suppose I am not biding my time well enough and not accepting their bullshit well enough and not keeping my hands to myself and I keep running with scissors. Maybe I should look a little harder and remember the things I told myself like ‘If you don’t like something…. change it.’ And maybe, I shouldn’t write my resume in sharpie.
I suppose I need to breathe and just be today….
(sorry its long, but I love it.)
“May I please have the one as shown through the rose colored glasses???”
“Yes the one with all the flowers and shiny happy people.”
“ No really, that’s the one I want.”
“Yes I realize it isn’t realistic, but I want it anyway.”
“Look, if I wanted your opinion, I’d give it to you. Just give me what I wanted and get out of my face!”
Where the hell are my rose colored glasses??? I seem to have misplaced them and I’d really like them back. I miss myself. The self that looks at things in a positive way and likes everyone, in spite of their obvious flaws. I miss the days where I smiled all the time and wasn’t so tired.
My problem is I know the cause, haven’t fixed it and am still sitting here writing about it rather than making the effort to fix it. The arm-pullers are in full force. I am that person that is torn between loyalty to self and misplaced loyalty to others. I stay at the job where I am under paid and under appreciated because of loyalty. I am a loyal friend. I am a loyal co-worker. I am also trusting in things I shouldn’t be trusting of.
I need to get the fuck out. I need to clean my shit off my computer, take my efforts and my talent and give it to someone who deserves it. I need to realize that my friend must come to terms with his own decision and that I can be supportive of him from the outside. In fact, it may be more supportive of me to be on the outside. I need to show these people what they will never see…. That I deserve better than this. That I am not a median income that the chamber of commerce has on a page. I am a hard working, intelligent, talented human being that has to go home at the end of the day feeling some degree of pride in what I did. I should be proud of where I work…. Not so much. I hate the fact that my day’s efforts will result in hundreds of thousands of dollars in profits and I will net $9.
Off with the rose colored glasses, I’m going shopping for some new ones. Maybe a nice shade of green or grey. Something to compliment my eyes.