Category Archives: stuff

I write stuff.

I’m Pretty Sure That it’s Fucksox Friday

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Did you know there is an actual thing called a whirly-gig? yeah… its that wooden thing they stake into your lawn that has hands or feet or something that “whirl” around…. I myself thought I was a whirly-gig but it turns out I was in fact wrong.

So for this Fucksox Friday I take my cue from her Snarkness, and instead of waxing on and on about whatever.

sooo I’m pretty sure that,

…Ben Franklin was right and beer is proof that god wants us to be happy.

…no one should ever be able to wear Hypercolor again. PERIOD.

…if what doesn’t kill is supposed to make us stronger – my neighbor deserves a bigger set of biceps and a rockhard fucking ass.

…you shouldn’t walk around lookin like a whore on holloween, with your child in tow… save that shit for the adult party.

…my boss has no idea whatsoever. none. I am so overqualified that in about a week I could make her obsolete.

…love is love no matter who is giving and who is receiving. It’s sad that a piece of paper has become so fucking important.

…living in a small ass college town for the last 18 years has caused me to look at women differently and pretty much think that all of them are whoores between the age of 18 and 22.

…living in a small ass college town for the last 18 years has caused me to look at men differently and pretty much think that all of them are whoores between the age of 28 and 42.

…I hate the color yellow.

…if I hadn’t been so frightened as a child by so many bad things I would be a complete stoner.

…Bret Michaels should not be allowed anywhere near a microphone. Ever.

…I married satan’s spawn when I was 20. He left scars that still open at the most inopportune times 12 years after we got divorced.

…if I didn’t have those scars, I’d probably be an ugly person.

…fuckin Chuck Norris is a gangster and could take out Steven Segal any day.

…that I have been very recently influenced, loved and cared for by some amazing women (and men) I have never met and it has reminded me that we as humans are really basically good and become bad through our own choices.

…my cell phone has retarded me, as have calculators and computers… really. Do you know all your family member’s phone number’s by heart or have them written on paper??? that’s what I thought.

…I would love a shot of Jameson right now but also sure it would be a bad idea.

…that I have not had a mindPod shuffle the entire time I’ve been writing this list.

…Clowns are fucking SCARY!!!!!!!!!!

…there are some things you can never unsee: your parents fucking, your grandparents fucking, scatporn, the cross fucking scene from the Exorcist, some of the crap on awkward family photos and Human Centepede.

…the Abe Lincoln is the best type of beard. (I’ll shank you over this)

…Sushi, should be Japanese, Thai food should be um Thai and Chinese food should not contain msg.

…I love TOOL and think Maynard is a genius but do not want to have his babies, lick his shoes or any of the other ridiculous things I have seen people offer just to meet him. He’s a human, talented, but human. whatever.

…my mindPod smells like teen spirit.

…I love all kinds of music but cringe when Lynerd Sknyrd comes on.

…you should not get married because you are knocked up. Even if her/your dad threatens you. It rarely works.

…there is love at first sight, sometimes the least likely couples actually have it figured out.

…you man can never be too good looking, your drink can never be too strong and you can NEVER have too many shoes.

…

correspondence or some shit

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bro,

You are fucking awesome. Here is a list (in bullet form as I am a nerd) to aid in making my point:

*You are a feminist whereas I am not, I say open my door damnit! But you give me hope that it is not a bad thing to be a feminist and are the only person I can say that about.

*You love unconditionally. It hurts to do that, but you persevere and are a stronger man for it.

*You are a good human. You don’t have to take my word for this, ask others or I can provide letters of reference.

*You follow what you believe and stick to your ideals even when it isn’t easy and makes doing something good really difficult.

*You can punk me out but it doesn’t feel like punking, well most of the time.

*You are intelligent, funny, kind hearted and cute, also very colorful, both literally and figuratively

*oh, yeah… you ran 13.1 miles on a fractured foot to give money to a child with blood cancer pretty sure you should get a medal for that – oh wait.

I don’t need to say more but I can elaborate, for pages.

less than three,
sars

*****

Dear job,

Nevermind. My filter is still working.

grumble.

sars

*****

Dear filter,

Please uninstall yourself so I can get some shit out. I have some anxiety happening up in this bitch and it needs to stop. like now! If you would kindly allow me to remove the gorilla glue so I can just utilize at my leisure I would appreciate it.

now!! kindly,
sars

*****

Dear Matrix,
*not the car

Why can’t I look like the hot chick the ended up breaking her leg performing her own stunts? Without breaking my leg of course. I’m not fat. So maybe I just need to be more bendy. That would be helpful. Is there a red and/or blue pill for that? Please advise.

yours binarily,
sars

*****

dear old ass dude on a bass-ackwards (I hate that phrase too, but really, it applies) tri cycle,
**also wanna-be skater kid, coffee shop hipster and stroller pushing crack mom…

There are rules of the road for a reason, namely your safety. I like to think of myself as a patient person who is understanding. Occasionally you have to endround a rule to keep from becoming a smudge on the pavement, but that is on occasion. Riding or pushing as it were, down or in a one-way street, the wrong way, is not okay and not safe really – especially if say you have a child in a stroller. Rolling out of a driveway, THE WRONG WAY, also not okay. These are ways to insure sudden smooshing under the wheels of my tank car.

And to you specifically old ass dude… I realize you are from an era when dinosaurs took up the entire field and you had to club them with a log to get where you were going and thus you feel some sense of entitlement to take the entire lane… at lunchtime… in the downtown area… going 3(ish) miles per hour, backing up cars for two blocks. But hear me now old dude… You are not entitled to this privilege. Bring a dino and maybe. Hug the cars on the side giving room for my large, but not canyonarrow sized, vehicle to go by you kindly and I will not feel the need to have my passenger door check you or honk unexpectedly as I pass your ear. We can have a peaceful coexistance. Much like you and the brontosaurus once had.

namaste,
sars

*****

you put up with my blithering… here is a treat.

The Black Keys: Howlin for You

[youtube]http://youtu.be/TLSpj7q6_mM[/youtube]

co-ed naked what?

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I don’t normally just re-post something and call it a day. I usually have some fun stuff to say then maybe I link something on occasion. Today… I found myself wishing we had naked sports. Or at least men willing to have fun and people who weren’t annoying and so uptight you could make diamonds in a day. Oh well, I will live vicariously.

Thank you kindly Bextar for the amazing blog and today’s delightful (albeit nauseating) post:

When Scrotum Goes Bad…

I. Am. Dying!

viral

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I was asked “What do you look forward to?” ……………  yeah, I couldn’t answer. It wasn’t that I’m unhappy, I can honestly say I am, for perhaps the first time in a long time. But what do I look forward to? What am I passionate about? All I can ever answer is people and I don’t think that is the answer she was waiting for. I think she was waiting for me to tell her about some up-coming trip (nothing on the books) or my hobby (other than the sporadic rush of verbiage onto screen, I don’t really have much there that is consistent) or some event and I just couldn’t produce.

So there I was, trying to decide whether to cry into my potato juice or eat a pound of bacon. And sometimes its just like that… you are rolling along through the mundane day to day life and someone re-posts a something that thousands of others already have and wham! you are hit in the head like a shit-brickhouse. Your motto for life- that may or may not have served you well- has ceased to exist. So there you are now given a new credo from which to operate. Welcome to my world. That was me ten days ago when someone posted the manifesto from a clothing company in my google+ stream (…. yes I have google+………. and facebook……. and twitter…… I think I have a small problem but I have not gotten to the cyber-stalking-taken-over-my-life-I-post-pics-of-my-food stage so I think I’m good.) anyway, there I was looking at a bunch of food pictures from a friend’s vacation and in the middle of his fish something or other and some cemetery, was the key to things, the cypher so-to-speak. So I adopted all but a couple lines and have decided to make it mine. A mission statement of sorts…

This is your LIFE.
Do what you LOVE, and do it often.
If you don’t like something, change it.
If you don’t like your job, quit.
If you don’t have enough time, stop watching TV.
If you are looking for the LOVE of your LIFE, stop;
They will be waiting for you when you
start doing the things you LOVE.
Stop over analyzing, LIFE is simple.
All emotions are beautiful.
Open your mind, arms, and HEART to new things
and people, we are united in our differences.
Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself.
Some opportunities only come once, seize them.
LIFE is aout the people you meet, and
the things you create with them
so go out and start creating.
LIFE is short.
LIVE your dream.

Right?!? I find it amazing how a few lines can be so clear and simple and give a renewed sense of forward momentum to what was starting to feel like a stagnant life. I think I can use this to propel me forward to find what I’m “looking forward to”. Life IS short. This is evidenced everyday. I do need to stop over analyzing and remember that emotions are beautiful even when they are complex and I don’t understand them. There are things I don’t like and I am the only one that can change them. No one else can fix my shit and no one else should (how will I learn anything?). I am creative and able to start creating.

This is my LIFE. It is viral and moving forward.

thank you holstee company

bithday bs!!!

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Dear Weather Control Peeps!
I will fire your asses if you do not change the forecast right now….. I expect sun and poolside cocktails for my birthday. If you want to rain, do it now, don’t wait until Saturday. I do not have a plan b. It is MY day, I should not have to. If you do not comply, you will not only feel my regular wrath but my i-am-getting-older-and-thus-frustrated & crotchety-and-don’t-need-a-good-reason violent side as well.

Thank you very kindly in advance for your prompt attention to this matter as I would like to be very mellow and most importantly war on my birthday.

 <3 sars

a day

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the rocks in my mind
absent
from the glass
reflections
of time spent
down roads I can’t pass
smiles fade and flicker
across batteries
long drained
kids walk by
no desire
to see
cans on a street
no ribbons
no flags
debris
then a warm breeze
picks up
reflections of time
simpler
kids kickin cans
down roads
of ribbons and flags
I smile
they pass
the rocks in my glass
sit cold
in the bottom of my glass
yougotsars via the crackberry

read her "blarg"

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…because she calls it a blarg and draws shit and is just plain awesome (not to mention makes me laugh!) and will now be added to the “Cool Peeps and Places”. Maybe not as prestigious as being added to say the Silly Lists of Nothingness or the List of Silly Pointless Lists on Wikipedia, but I know some peeps who think its rad… and not just me. Anyhow…… Do eet!! You will laugh until you pee, okay maybe not.

Today’s blarg: Nacho Dress from I’d Like Cheese on My Entire Family

its awesome.

sometimes it takes a while

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I know I have been radio silent… to a degree I’m sorry, but kinda not. I did promise “something nicer next time” and maybe I set myself up for trouble by doing that. I’ve been working on writing new stuff, but have been having a rough go finding words. I will have something to post soon, but have a feeling it won’t be what is expected. I seem to be spending too much time trying to provide something witty or with some underlying nugget of wisdom – trying to fit some mold of what I think others want. I didn’t start out writing for anyone but me. Writing was a catharsis, a means to release my feelings. And unbeknown to me when I started, was an extremely useful therapeutic tool.  I miss the freedom I felt when I started writing almost 8 years ago. I miss being fulfilled by even posting something so simple as:

hot tamale
mood: full
It has been a while since I’ve written anything, but what better to pull me out of my writing slump than food. The tamale lady came to my office today. The beautiful amazing tamale lady. Why is she beautiful and amazing??? She had chili-cheese tamales and she doesn’t use lard. Oh Happy Day!!!!!! I am sitting here at my desk enjoying the bounty of her labor, toasting the beauty that is the Mexican culture and it’s fine cuisine. My mouth is on fire and yet I still smile. oh yes it will be a good day.

Listening to:Roots
The Israelites /2004
That I posted in December ’06.

Or in November ’05 when All I wrote was
I need more cowbell…

It was easy to just be free. Of course I didn’t post status updates of Facebook and there was no Twitter so my writing was it. I will figure out what to do to change whatever it is that I need to, in order to find fulfillment in my writing again. Maybe I have already answered my own questions.

Until then I wanted to share a about a woman who no one really knew about. She was discovered by accident after she died. Who knew what could have been different for her, maybe she would have flourished (though I doubt her work could have been better) or maybe it would have stunted her creativity. I hope she was happy and fulfilled by taking photographs in her day-today life.

Vivian Maier

I hope today you have a moment for you that leaves you fulfilled. I just did. with love & solidarity ~sars

I promise some nice stuff next time

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Hey you, the one over there taking up space on the eliptical machine… Get off the fucking phone! This is the gym! Great Gus people REALLY? If your iPhone doubles as your iPod then so be it… but don’t answer the fucking thing while you are working out. How can you actually workout while gabbing away about what the kids had for lunch and what time they have to be at soccer practice. Can’t it wait for you to work out for 30 minutes and burn off some of the chub you have built up because you aren’t actually working out, you’re talking on the phone.

Now you, girl talking in text speak. Do you realize that you sound like an uneducated idiot? You are somewhere in your early 20’s (you’re in a bar, lets hope this to be true) and you can’t go three sentences without a text abbreviation for something, and you can’t go three words without saying like. WTF? STFU. Use all that money daddy just spent for good, not evil. PYHO and use some of that education to find a job somewhere. And OMG! the 80’s were the decade before you were born, not the one we’re in… send your cloths back from whence they came.

Next, little table o’ frat boys at my favorite writing spot. I don’t care if it’s Sunday Funday or Monday night Football or what-the-fuck-ever…. The servers here are awesome. Have you noticed there are only two? For the whole place (yes back room included)? So when you flag one of them down, Hey, hey, HEY!!! and then your drunk ass buddy sits there, uh, uh, uh and doesn’t know what he wants… I want to hit you, more importantly she wants to hit you (or him) because you are making it look like she sucks to all the other people waiting for their beers because your dumb ass had performance anxiety. Take notice of your surroundings man. Next time I may just call her over – hey, hey! and order a can of whoop ass for your table. She’ll probably do it too (she likes those big ass rings).

Drunk guy who happens to be sitting next to me at the pub… Thank you kindly for cutting me off and telling my awesome bartender (that I love and take good care of) that you’ve got my drink. Very sweet. The quarter you left as a tip…. NOT fucking sweet. Learn how to tip man. This is a bar, know your etiquette, tip accordingly. better yet, if you want to impress a lady… try not being a tard.

I will let this be all for now. because I could go on and on and on….. I have nice stuff, fun stuff, rainbows and kittens and heartwarming shit that makes me almost throw p in my mouth. But this had to come out first. sorry?

(in the vain of the old myspace blogs) Currently Listening to: Andrew Jackson Jihad;
Candy, Cigarettes & Cap Guns

From Blogger Pictures