Category Archives: gettin older

Loser of Fuck Trophies

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Most times I feel secure, really secure in who I am. It’s taken me so many years to come inch by inch to the place where I am now. I have crawled through miles of abuse of many kinds. But we don’t grow or become who we are without crawling through the shit right? Right. None of this is new and it certainly isn’t a new topic for me. But as Mother’s Day approaches I find myself deeper in thought about well, the shit that made me decide I didn’t want to be an actual mother. There may be times I act like your mother, everyone’s mother, and even a motherfucker but whatever… At this point in my life, I have been with the same man for a decade. He is rather amazing. I don’t bring him up in this forum much as he is a private person and I respect that. Yes.. more than I respect you. He fosters a feeling of confidence that lets me know that no matter what choice we make about our future it’s okay- it’s ours together, fuck everyone else.

Speaking of decisions, children… It’s kind-of a big deal. I have never borne children – that I did not drop off at the pool. (That’s for my brother… he loves me extra right now and if I call him drunk, like my own personal Uber he might not complain- might not.) And I have never been pregnant, no, really, I promise… yes I’m in my forties and have been married and divorced and in a ten year relationship and I still promise I have never been pregnant. (Also I am capable. Yes, I promise. I have had this checked as well even though I did not want to have children. Maybe we’ll talk about that some other time.) Yet I act like everyone’s mom. In her oh so kind and loving way, my sister likes to remind me – I have never “birthed a child through my loins”, thus I cannot know what it is like. But then I question the “what”… What “what” is like??? To be parental? To be responsible? To take care of a persons’ physical, emotional and financial needs? Because I do and I have and I am… But yet, I have to chosen remain childfree, childless, sans-children, without offspring, spawn-less, barren of crotch-fruit… winless of fuck trophies. Yes. I, just said that. I have never been accused of being politically correct and don’t think I’m trying to start a trend here. I’m also not saying to my real life friends with fertility issues (who know who they are- and probably reading this laughing) that I don’t empathize with their struggle. This is not about them and they know it. And that is my point… it is their struggle, it is their hand to play . We each go through our own struggle. We each have to play the hand we are given by the fucked up clown of a dealer called life. That douche is laughing at ALL of us without mercy. They (It?) give(s) zero fucks whatsoever whether we call it childless, childfree, spawn-less, barren, spoiled-fruit-of-the-loins, loser-of-the-fuck-trophy or just plain winner of the money train… There are zero fucks given by that dude. As far as he’s concerned, it is initially up to us. Maybe not every single one of us, but most of us. I know that there are some.. but duh, exception to every rule.

I read an article that reminded me that I am lucky to have a friend circle that includes very few that give me shit about this choice… Childfree? Or just me? It was in Bust Magazine- unashamedly feminist but sometimes so poignant that I save the bookmark, share and even print the article… like ‘childfree’. When you are in your forties and have been saying you don’t want kids since you were fifteen… this is a badge. People have been trying to convince me since I was sixteen that I was going through a phase. I would change my mind when I met the right man (and if they weren’t sure – like in my late twenties, the right woman) but always they were certain I was wrong and they were right. Very few people had the courage to sit and have the conversation with me… to ask me why I didn’t want to have children, why I was so certain. Those few people walked away with a different perspective and most understood, whether they agreed or not, why I made my choice.

So whatever your choice this Mother’s Day, embrace it. Be strong in the choice and give zero fucks what anyone else thinks. They don’t have to live your life.

letters unsent

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Part of our jobs as humans is to evolve.. I know, fucking shocker, right?! Well, there may be humans that think think “devolve”… but whatever. They can stew in their ignorance while the rest of us move forward with vengeance. Or something like it. Right now I’m thinking less of those things than of the evolution of self; how hard I have personally worked to evolve. So many turns, to take me from child to now. The labels are ridiculous. But that can be mother post… Tonight is a letter unsent. Because sometimes you need to tell peeps why for real, not for fakes…

I asked a family member if they would like to see a cover band at a local venue. I heard about the show and asked the same day. Covers of their favorite band. Now… I have built solid boundaries and put space between myself and the negativity that was my family life. But every once and a while….. this shit happens…

………………

Saw this show, thought of you. Would you like to go?

Are you wanting to go. Hub says it sounds great. I don’t have money for tickets. Waiting on tax return.

Would love to go but you all ready spend way too much money on us. I appreciate it but please save your money. I love you for thinking about us but please dont

Um, It seems silly that you and your hub want to go but are arguing dollars. Does the show sound awesome?? Because your husband wants to go, you love the band being covered, and I’d like to do this. So… How about you call it happy birthday.

………………

Here’s the part where I get frustrated and it becomes the unsent… because that was reallllllly nice.

Honestly, your false concern for my finances is tiring. You consistently complain about the ways you are “broke” or “behind” or “can’t afford” something. But you are being freely offered a gift and you say no, in a backhandedly nice way. Don’t do that. It’s like refusing a compliment you deserve. What concern is it of yours what I can afford to do?? It’s $50. You are acting like I spend thousands of dollars on you to make yourself a martyr. Save your concern for yourself and the ways you need to improve your own situation. If I would like to spend money I have worked hard to earn, on someone, anyone for that matter, it is up to me. If I offer something and you would like to do it… the expected, no, not expected, the polite response (the one ANYONE else would give) is ‘that sounds awesome! We would love that!’.

So… does that sound awesome?? Because your husband thinks so. He wants to go, you love the band being covered, and I’d like to do this. It’s time for you to stop policing me and what I do with my time and money. This kind of crap is why I don’t often bother. False concern for my finances is not winning you any points with me, it’s pissing me off. You playing like it bothers you on one hand, then complaining to everyone that will listen that I don’t do enough, to gain their sympathy and audience is tiresome and frustrating. No one likes someone falsely modest or seeking attention. You actually deserve it for what you do. You earn attention when you engage with people for real. So, if you want me to engage, act like it. Now, let’s start again and hopefully we can have a better result this time. Let’s try.

………………

Saw this show, thought of you. Would you like to go?

Update! RDCV

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Sometimes it’s just like that… one day you are entering the 300th invoice of the day for the crazy lady who thinks you suck because you didn’t enter 301 and you wonder what you did to karma. Then you realize you are smarter, more capable and oh yeah, way better looking than she is, thus you threaten her. Time to roll bitches! So you do. Possibly landing face first onto the asphlat (I will neither confirm nor deny how many times). So… dusty dusty shaky shaky and rolling forward. I landed myself a new career. And gusdammit if I’m not pretty good at it to boot.

On the days when I am not herding cats I’m pretty sure I am actually just the ringmaster of the shitshow. (No that isn’t mine… thanks BlueQ!) I ended up stumbling my way into what may the most misogynistic industry ever… Okay, maybe not the most, but for sure top 5 or 3, yeah 3. I would say commercial fishing or oil-rigs have fewer women, but I can’t think of many industries less welcoming to women than trucking, yet here I am. Not that it’s been all shits and giggles. (See what I did there?? You missed me you know you did!)

I started at what I thought was the worst place ever. Not the job, the dude. An under-cover woman hater. Boy-next-door good looks, all-american with the wife and volleyball team of crotch-fruit. Can’t be bad right? He hired me and I’m a loud opinionated bitch! Oh wait, not always… loud. So I endured that because the work was fun. It was a lot like babysitting and being a big sister and playing tetris. Only with big-ass men and 53′ trucks loaded at 40 tons. Plus there was some juicy shit happening with the wife and the bff. Popcorn worthy. Then one day I find myself sold off like so much cargo. He sold the trucks and threw in the humans too. So not the worst place ever… it was about to get worse real quick like.

There I was in my new work nightmare home with my new work overlords family. I am going to skip this for another time because frankly I could spend hours on it. New boss man made boy next door look like a girl. He didn’t hide his contempt for me and the fact that I had ‘no place in trucking’. It didn’t matter that I was bringing in new customers on reputation or making insane margins. All that mattered was what was missing between my legs. Oh well, his loss. Within an hour of leaving the office that last day I had 4 job offers from customers. And I’ve made it my passion to contact all the customers I had and offer them service at better rates than they had before. Because newsflash motherfucker… they are too big to fit between my legs, I have to strap them to my chest.

In the end I pushed past all that shit and end-rounded the stereo types. I escaped the super sexist assholes at the places I worked- where I went from an under-cover, nice to your face, guy next door misogynist… to an overt, balls-out -or you lack the proper equipment to play in my sandbox- women hater. But now… Life is amazing. I have a bad-ass bitch of a boss (she’s not even a bitch at all… more of a dick really. Again, another post entirely.) and an epic owner who wants me to succeed. So I am.

It’s All About Me

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It seems lately I don’t want to do much of anything. Obviously I haven’t been writing, or I wouldn’t have that awful lag time between this and my last post. And that old adage that depression breeds creativity may have been real at one point but right now it feels like bullshit. Right now I want to create… a nest of blankets and take a nap. I want to go to sleep and catch up on what feels like 3 years of deprivation. I want to create a mind that doesn’t feel the stress and frustration of actual adulting. I want to create a bridge between how I used to create and now, so I can go back and drag its ass to the present.

Sitting down to write used to be fun. I wanted to spend more time at the keys than most other things. I thought of shit to say all the time. And I didn’t give a shit about who read it. If I was talking about you, oh well. You probably earned it. Chances are you earned worse than what I said, but I was being kind-ish. Okay, maybe that’s a stretch but its relative. Then people sorted out who I really was. In my actual life. My anonymous outlet ceased to be an outlet but a chore. It became an exercise in ways to disguise my truth. I don’t want to disguise my truth.

My truth isn’t always kind. My truth is that I get legitimately hurt by people in my life and my efforts to sort that out include writing about how painful it is. If seeing your actions hurts, maybe you shouldn’t take those actions. My truth is sometimes judgmental because as much as we try, sometimes we are judgmental. Sometimes its okay and sometimes its not. But its my truth. I am okay with it. Because sometimes I learn when I bear it.

So I don’t want to shroud my truth in bullshit. If you can’t read it, then don’t. I am not going to apologize for my truth. No, I am not going to start calling out names and using places and telling people where I live. But if you already know, fine. Suck it up and understand that sometimes it is about you. Sometimes it is not. Either way, this is my truth.

Pyrite

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Our lives are like treasure chests, each one different, much like we are. Each life, each collection of treasures, is as amazing as the person who collected it.  Some of those chests look like they have been pulled out of the deep dark. There are some serious battle wounds on those bitches but their owners are the most amazing, beautiful, loving, caring humans. They are the people you hope will cross your path and teach you some thread of knowledge they keep inside that vault.  On the other hand, some of those owners are as black as the scars that mar the exterior of the burdens they bear. Life affects us all differently. As humans we get to choose how. We can decide whether we take life’s beating or if life’s beating takes us. Unfortunately we don’t get to choose who gives it. And the beating will always hurt, but learning usually does. Because, no really good lesson has ever come easily or at little cost. If we are lucky we learn this lesson young, but luck (like so many things) is a tiny spec in the sky that we grasp at. 

All Aboard!

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dear 2015I started writing a re-cap of 2014. Then I started writing a letter to 2014. Then I decided that all the self censoring is making it difficult to know where to start. So…. fuck it. I have closed the lid on 2014. I have given myself permission to let last year go. I have decided that I will not look back and rehash all the mistakes I made, even though some of them are super funny and blog worthy. I will not give in to the temptation to dwell in the negativity pool, even though its water is just the right temperature and they let you have tasty-fruity-boozy drinks, with little umbrellas, on your raft.

Instead I will welcome 2015. I will ride the express along it’s unknown path, but I will probably fasten my seatbelt for safety.  I will not be making any silly resolutions. (my fear of failure will only allow those I can keep with certainty anyway.) But I will make some plans. I will have some goals. And they will result in prizes that make achieving them a worth while endeavor. (I have not yet chosen the prizes but they will be awesome.) I will ride my bipolar express right in to 40’s inner circle and I will make it my bitch. (Why doesn’t 40 have a catchy rhyme, like dirty-thirty? Sporty-Forty doesn’t sound as fun to me… it sounds like work, and sweating and a spicegirl in business) I will embrace the gray hair and the wrinkles. I will embrace my inner cougar and the animal print accessories she forces upon me. Okay, to be honest, I probably won’t “embrace” the gray hair, I will continue to color it… But, not because I have gray hair. I will color it because I like my hair red, or plumb or stripey. But… I will not be upset when I see a new gray hair because frankly, I earned that shit.

This year, I will grow as a person. I will recognize that I have no control over the express train’s path, but I do have control over my reactions to the ride. I cannot control what other people think of me. But I can control how I treat other people. I cannot make my family understand me or my choices. I can’t make everyone happy. The only thing I can control is myself. If I want to be better in any way, I have to make it happen. And I will make things happen.

The bi-polar express is ready to roll. Please keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times for your own safety. Clothing is optional, however shoes are not.

follow the link to buy Erin Smith’s art… do it!

 

in a blaze of glory

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When I was Eighteen (and two weeks) I packed what little shit I had, plus some shit I may not have had, and left. I didn’t leave the country or anything (I may currently be regretting that choice but, not the point) but I did leave home. I may not have been born in this town, but I went to school there for 12 years, so for all intents and purposes, I am from there.

Packed in those bags were the few things that meant something to me. Mostly clothes and basics one needs to live. I hadn’t yet become the shoe whore I currently am, so the bags were light. Conspicuously missing… those vestiges of friendship you amass during your high school years. Sure I had a few friends I was close to, but I didn’t weep for the loss of proximity… to anyone. I wasn’t sad that seeing so-and-so would take planning or forethought. I didn’t miss her or him or that guy or my bff. I just left. After several years I finally ran into someone “I grew up with”. It was awkward to say the least. They acted like I was one of the cool kids they remembered (though I was never a cool kid), and I was the same as I ever was trying to figure out if they actually knew who I was or were really remembering my brother but seeing me instead. I had always just been there. That person no one really loved or hated (well there was that one girl, but that is another story completely), I wasn’t invited but I wasn’t excluded either, I was just me. In a time where all of life is measured by who you hang out with or sleep with or refuse… I just wasn’t. Lest you think I am waxing sentimental and sad, think again. Leaving town with what little I did and going to start a new life was the best thing I could have done. And over the years I have rarely returned. I don’t think I have been back enough to average out to once every couple years.

Then I got a message from my single remaining high school friend a couple days ago that our 20th reunion is this Saturday…. Wait, this Saturday? Yeah… and he and wifey would like me to go with them because they aren’t going to the whole shin-dig, just the after party. While the after party only sounded a bit better, than goin full early 90’s…

I don't know this person... but this was what the popular girls did to their hair back then.

I don’t know this person… but this was what the popular girls did to their hair back then.

I was not convinced. It took the nh and the besty a long while to get me to see why this could be good. First, I haven’t aged much. No really, I haven’t. I used to deny it and have a hard time taking the compliment then I realized that I really haven’t. I did find my first gray hair a month ago (finally, I earned that shit!) and have a hint of aging around my eyes. And by aging I mean bags, dark bags (have I mentioned I don’t sleep??). But for the most part I haven’t changed much except the length of my hair and it’s color. Second, I am not fat. Yes I have gained a few pounds over the years but not an excessive amount. And really, I gained most of it the last year because forty is a whore that hates you approaching her sanctum. Also, I have lived my life on my terms. I have fucked up and been in the best of places, but I chose. I fled what I could see becoming my life for somewhere new that held no preconceived notions. I chose to marry young and I chose to leave that marriage that I built with my tears and work, with nothing. I chose (actively) to be childless. I chose to stop going to school and live with the consequences of that choice. I chose to leave a job that was breaking me but stable for something uncertain. I chose to love unconditionally and am learning how truly freeing that choice is. I chose to leave my family and face the world and found out that while it may not be the easy choice it was the best choice. I love my life. I live where people vacation and I am surrounded by friends that love me and I love them because they are awesome humans. I ditch the shitty people because life is too short.

So, I am going to face the past and people I really don’t know but I have back-up. I am going with people I really enjoy and there is an agreement, an understanding… we are each other’s exit buddies. If one is miserable, all are and we bail the fuck out before permanent damage happens. Isn’t that what friends are for? I think so.

on my way to my reunion... any wonder why I never return???

on my way to my reunion… any wonder why I never return???

 

Here’s a treat, the top songs from the year I graduated…

posted from my tablet thingy

I’m smiling next to you…

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Well, well, fancy meeting you here.  I know it’s me who’s been out of touch but I had a bunch of shit and you know there was that stuff with the ting and all that. You know how it goes. One day you have all this shit in your head to write about and the next day its two months later and where did all the time go? In my defense I’ve been training at work, planning baby showers, getting ready for vacation and you know… nursing the sick, giving hope to the desolate and leaping tall buildings in a single bound. It’s a tough job being me full time. There have been days when I have seriously wanted to trade with someone for a while. Just a couple days, nothing permanent and then something happens and I realize I have it easy. My life is wonderful. I am not sure how I stumbled into what I’ve got but I’m not going anywhere. That desire to switch lives dissolved in a moment when I remembered… I remembered I am treated with respect, like a person deserving of respect and spoken to in that same way. It is amazing how much that can change things. I realized that I am flawed, beautifully and unashamedly flawed, but I am me. I am not hiding behind a mask of insecurity pretending to be someone else… I have moments of crazy and moments of lucidity, moments of sheer joy and moments of despair, moments of wonder and impossible amazement at my fortune followed by selfish tantrums about what I don’t have that someone else does. But in all this, I am just me. More good than bad, more lucid than crazy, more joy, amazement and good fortune than not. I have friendship and laughter. I am loved and cared for. I am wanted. I am thankful.

image

posted from my tablet thingy

not quite a .38 special

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I know, I know… before you launch into a tirade about how I should be writing more, and it’s cathartic, and will cure whatever ails me.. piss off.

Okay, okay, I didn’t mean it. I want you here, but (and it’s a Star Jones pre-surgery sized butt) only if you are prepared for the older, not necessarily wiser, unfiltered, unadulterated, unashamed madness that is sars at 37. Because suddenly I found myself staring down the barrel of .38 trying to figure out where 37 years, a bunch of dreams and half my mind had gone. Shit (y’all). shit… Where the fuck did 37 years go? Why do I have all this shit to say causing me ocular leakage, filling my sinus’ and giving me a goddamned headache? Why indeed! I created my own fucking happy place and I intend to use this shit as I see fit. So the warning sign that some fucking hipster kicked over has been reinstalled in a concrete post hole and The Social Assassin has it in his sites (don’t fuck with him, he pulls no punches and will make you cry for years to come.). That being said, well… I don’t know, I make this shit up as I go. Long before the advent of pinterest or someecards or any of those places, I would quietly collect and share little quotes, words of wisdom with people through writing and correspondence. (and maybe the occasional framed card or something) You remember writing on paper don’t you? I am a walking pinterest board with all the quotes I have collected over the years. So as I stare at 38 I decided to share some shit, not necessarily just quotes, or some gold or some golden shit… whichever it may be. So without further adieu…

Buddha said “All life is suffering.” Y’all know I love me some Buddha. If I were Buddhist I may sit here and tell you how we should forgive all, trust everyone and allow ourselves to be in the moment and be one with our suffering because it is the way to achieve enlightenment. Horse. Shit. I do believe we should forgive, we should let go of the past – but (there is that but again) we have to learn whatever lesson we were supposed to from whatever shit hit our fan. Otherwise we suffered for no fucking reason. Because that Buddha, was right (again) when he said “Holding on to anger (or insert resentment – I do) is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at the one who wronged you. You are the one who gets burned.” I’m not saying forget everything… just move forward. It is important to remember… remember what we learned from the hurts we feel, remember the times we fall on our ass, remember the people we lost because we fucked up royally… equally as important is to remember the people who fucked up and hurt us, so we don’t fall for the same trick again. We should learn from our suffering because Buddha may have said that all life is suffering, but ya know… he never said you have to suffer to live. I think every time we move forward and learn from the mistakes of the past, maybe, we can prevent a little suffering in our future.

Facebook is not a substitute for life. If you are reading this you probably know that I hate Facebook. The only reason I am on there is guilt. I probably need to work on that to prevent some suffering. Anyhow… we are the age of technology rapidly becoming the age of completely connected. This sounds good on paper.. er.. screen, but we are losing touch with each other as human beings. We are becoming isolated, lonely, and forgetting that we need each other. Put the cellphones, iPads, tablets of another variety, laptops and netbooks away for a bit and have dinner with your spouse, significant other, kids and friends. Remind yourself and them, that reality is where you look at each other, touch, hold hands, hug, laugh, cry, scream, find out that things are happening because someone’s mouth spoke the words, not because someone random posted something they heard from the neighbor on facebook. Take an entire day without tech. Can you do it? Send a birthday card without posting a witty abbreviated message on their wall. I read a cover story for The Atlantic recently that dug in to the meat of this very topic. (there have been several articles disputing The Atlantic’s story, my opinion on these articles is they are written by people that do nothing but play on facebook, they don’t understand reality and personal contact.) It took deleting my facebook completely to realize who my real friends actually are, and it isn’t the people who tell my boyfriend how great I am but never bother to tell me to my face. I am more than the number of “likes” or +1’s that my post has. I am more than the number of views on my blog. I am less than the number of friends I have on Facebook, and that suits me just fine. Because at the end of the day ~when I find myself fading I close my eyes and realize, my friends are my energy.~ I said friends, not facebook… that would just sound dumb.

I had a more amazing nuggets of wisdom to impart, but I decided that it has taken me a month to post this so I may want to speed this along. Plus it gives me some shit to post over the next few days. I feel some blog vomit about to happen and it will not be for your children. Because sometimes it’s just like that, you look in the mirror and you aren’t 21 anymore. And it’s a good thing, at 21 you are afraid to say the word cunt.