Loser of Fuck Trophies

Most times I feel secure, really secure in who I am. It’s taken me so many years to come inch by inch to the place where I am now. I have crawled through miles of abuse of many kinds. But we don’t grow or become who we are without crawling through the shit right? Right. None of this is new and it certainly isn’t a new topic for me. But as Mother’s Day approaches I find myself deeper in thought about well, the shit that made me decide I didn’t want to be an actual mother. There may be times I act like your mother, everyone’s mother, and even a motherfucker but whatever… At this point in my life, I have been with the same man for a decade. He is rather amazing. I don’t bring him up in this forum much as he is a private person and I respect that. Yes.. more than I respect you. He fosters a feeling of confidence that lets me know that no matter what choice we make about our future it’s okay- it’s ours together, fuck everyone else.

Speaking of decisions, children… It’s kind-of a big deal. I have never borne children – that I did not drop off at the pool. (That’s for my brother… he loves me extra right now and if I call him drunk, like my own personal Uber he might not complain- might not.) And I have never been pregnant, no, really, I promise… yes I’m in my forties and have been married and divorced and in a ten year relationship and I still promise I have never been pregnant. (Also I am capable. Yes, I promise. I have had this checked as well even though I did not want to have children. Maybe we’ll talk about that some other time.) Yet I act like everyone’s mom. In her oh so kind and loving way, my sister likes to remind me – I have never “birthed a child through my loins”, thus I cannot know what it is like. But then I question the “what”… What “what” is like??? To be parental? To be responsible? To take care of a persons’ physical, emotional and financial needs? Because I do and I have and I am… But yet, I have to chosen remain childfree, childless, sans-children, without offspring, spawn-less, barren of crotch-fruit… winless of fuck trophies. Yes. I, just said that. I have never been accused of being politically correct and don’t think I’m trying to start a trend here. I’m also not saying to my real life friends with fertility issues (who know who they are- and probably reading this laughing) that I don’t empathize with their struggle. This is not about them and they know it. And that is my point… it is their struggle, it is their hand to play . We each go through our own struggle. We each have to play the hand we are given by the fucked up clown of a dealer called life. That douche is laughing at ALL of us without mercy. They (It?) give(s) zero fucks whatsoever whether we call it childless, childfree, spawn-less, barren, spoiled-fruit-of-the-loins, loser-of-the-fuck-trophy or just plain winner of the money train… There are zero fucks given by that dude. As far as he’s concerned, it is initially up to us. Maybe not every single one of us, but most of us. I know that there are some.. but duh, exception to every rule.

I read an article that reminded me that I am lucky to have a friend circle that includes very few that give me shit about this choice… Childfree? Or just me? It was in Bust Magazine- unashamedly feminist but sometimes so poignant that I save the bookmark, share and even print the article… like ‘childfree’. When you are in your forties and have been saying you don’t want kids since you were fifteen… this is a badge. People have been trying to convince me since I was sixteen that I was going through a phase. I would change my mind when I met the right man (and if they weren’t sure – like in my late twenties, the right woman) but always they were certain I was wrong and they were right. Very few people had the courage to sit and have the conversation with me… to ask me why I didn’t want to have children, why I was so certain. Those few people walked away with a different perspective and most understood, whether they agreed or not, why I made my choice.

So whatever your choice this Mother’s Day, embrace it. Be strong in the choice and give zero fucks what anyone else thinks. They don’t have to live your life.

Look a Squirrel

Sometimes its just like that…

…it takes an innocuous conversation, about a stupid social media post, to let you know you are right about the things you need to change about yourself. Ya know, no big… take that time when you were super antagonistic to a random dude because well… nothing. You have no reason. You just start a conversation and it goes sideways and all negative and it is totally your fault. You were basically a douchebag but um, you called him one and, um, backed it up with claims of righteousness drunken hollow bullshit and wisdom. Not that you saw that at the time. Sort of like most of the things that are wrong with life right? You don’t realize your fault until you do. Suck-it-up buttercup… Sometimes being the bigger person means apologizing in the moment, knowing it’s right, and realizing later just how right it was.

Sometime later, when you sort that out, you get past the moment you’d been in and realize, there is some really cool shit on this ride you’ve created for yourself. It’s ridiculous and intense and scary… and one hairpin can slap you in the face with a reality you didn’t know was coming. And sometimes the goddamned squirrels just show up running in all directions. But, if those fucking squirrels never showed up you would be a completely different human. You wouldn’t have noticed the door to build my own life-land, or the side track to ‘I don’t have to like you because we’re related’ alley – and consequently ‘I appreciate you more as my friend because we’re related and you get me rope bridge’. All these distractions, negative or not, have helped you become a much happier, more calm person. Having a squirrel scream past and remind you that you are not the hottest shit to walk the earth is actually a good thing. No one should have an ego bigger than the check their ass can cash. We need to check ourselves or be checked on occasion. It’s good to remember that what is directly in front of us is not the only thing there is. Knowing there is a way to release the inherent negativity by being taken down to a level where you have to look up… is freeing.

letters unsent

Part of our jobs as humans is to evolve.. I know, fucking shocker, right?! Well, there may be humans that think think “devolve”… but whatever. They can stew in their ignorance while the rest of us move forward with vengeance. Or something like it. Right now I’m thinking less of those things than of the evolution of self; how hard I have personally worked to evolve. So many turns, to take me from child to now. The labels are ridiculous. But that can be mother post… Tonight is a letter unsent. Because sometimes you need to tell peeps why for real, not for fakes…

I asked a family member if they would like to see a cover band at a local venue. I heard about the show and asked the same day. Covers of their favorite band. Now… I have built solid boundaries and put space between myself and the negativity that was my family life. But every once and a while….. this shit happens…

………………

Saw this show, thought of you. Would you like to go?

Are you wanting to go. Hub says it sounds great. I don’t have money for tickets. Waiting on tax return.

Would love to go but you all ready spend way too much money on us. I appreciate it but please save your money. I love you for thinking about us but please dont

Um, It seems silly that you and your hub want to go but are arguing dollars. Does the show sound awesome?? Because your husband wants to go, you love the band being covered, and I’d like to do this. So… How about you call it happy birthday.

………………

Here’s the part where I get frustrated and it becomes the unsent… because that was reallllllly nice.

Honestly, your false concern for my finances is tiring. You consistently complain about the ways you are “broke” or “behind” or “can’t afford” something. But you are being freely offered a gift and you say no, in a backhandedly nice way. Don’t do that. It’s like refusing a compliment you deserve. What concern is it of yours what I can afford to do?? It’s $50. You are acting like I spend thousands of dollars on you to make yourself a martyr. Save your concern for yourself and the ways you need to improve your own situation. If I would like to spend money I have worked hard to earn, on someone, anyone for that matter, it is up to me. If I offer something and you would like to do it… the expected, no, not expected, the polite response (the one ANYONE else would give) is ‘that sounds awesome! We would love that!’.

So… does that sound awesome?? Because your husband thinks so. He wants to go, you love the band being covered, and I’d like to do this. It’s time for you to stop policing me and what I do with my time and money. This kind of crap is why I don’t often bother. False concern for my finances is not winning you any points with me, it’s pissing me off. You playing like it bothers you on one hand, then complaining to everyone that will listen that I don’t do enough, to gain their sympathy and audience is tiresome and frustrating. No one likes someone falsely modest or seeking attention. You actually deserve it for what you do. You earn attention when you engage with people for real. So, if you want me to engage, act like it. Now, let’s start again and hopefully we can have a better result this time. Let’s try.

………………

Saw this show, thought of you. Would you like to go?

Tom and Zack

Sometimes its just like that… You are sitting at your favorite place for potato juice then you realize you don’t even fucking drink that anymore. So you order some bourbon and start to relax when you just can’t. There is tension… so you do some social media bullshit. Then it hits you what a mistake that is because the world seems to be going to hell in a handbasket- oh wait just us.

After the bourbon settles and I stop looking at news, I am actually thankful. I force people to listen to whatever I want on the jukebox by using my phone to override the next pick. It’s the little things. It dawned on me as I usurped some slash-my-wrist 80’s emo bullshit with some Rage that holee shit! 25 years ago when you were doin whatever the fuck you were doin like oh ya trying to finish high school while navigating teenage motherhood-ish…oh wait, I didn’t have my own kids but I had some my parents made so that was just me. Anyway a pivotal moment in music happened. I can always count on this album to tap my feelings with all the intensity I feel. I don’t need to know the same exact things, that happened – I just need the Rage.

Killin’ in the name of

quarter century of lives lived through pain unheard of

Where was I when things goin down

Kickin’ it safe in my skinny albino alpaca town

Beat a girl to the ground or did you just fuck around

No idea what those boys been through

How those girls feel shamed

All the times we cause the pain

I’m a silly white girl with privilege

Such as it is today

I work for less pay than the pyramid’s top

but what the hell have I to say

Complaints

I make myself sick

I want for nothing

Full belly

Shelter

What more could I wish?

Who am I to complain?

WHO AM I TO COMPLAIN?

Who am I to feel pain?

Who am I to be pissed, when much is denied to so many

and I am the one who took it away

My starting matters not

Nothing

No

Thing

The skin I wore with luck galore

It kept me safe and whole nobody’s whore

but it couldn’t protect the rest

Ask my bro… he’ll protest.

His shape, His life

Mold my love and passion

His skin was no protection

Nor his gender from action and detection

Sad fact is we ARE human

Our race plays only plays a part

but our being our soul… it comes from the heart

Our drive

Kill-love-hate-protect

We have a choice each one

We are the metamorphosis of our choices

We choose what we become…

Do we become the forces?

The same that burn crosses

Let them cause holes in our spirits

Causing tears and fears

Are we inferior

am I in fear of years

Does skin matter so much

Or does our heart determine us

Do we let the established tell us

Or do we

Me

You

Tell them who we are

Do we stand up and testify

Do we take the power back

Take the Power Back

Sportsball!

Sports are a funny thing. Sports, in my opinion, have the power to bring people together- they can be the great unifier. Sports as a rule, doesn’t differentiate- rich, poor, young, old, impaired, sober, it matters not. Sports wants you. You can have a biker, a priest and a CEO jumping up and down screaming and smiling because their team just scored the winning run in the 11th inning of game two to tie up the world series. I’m sitting here watching the World Series right now. There are people around me who could give a fuck about sportsball, they just want a cocktail. But they are watching. They are watching because it’s on and because it is exciting. It’s not exciting because it’s on, but because the people around them that give a fuck are excited! They are invested in whether the guy who made it to second with two outs will be stranded or if the young kid at the plate will come through and rope a hit long enough to bring him in and tie it up. It’s not about what’s happening on the field it’s about the energy around them… the people around them. Sports does that. Even more so championship sports does that. But sports is also the great equalizer. I sat there and watched a prissy socialite smack her hands against the bar “GO TEAM GO!” Over and over… until she frenzied the rest of the bar into her cause and into her corner thereby wooing her prey (in this case) into submission. That’s the thing, sports demands attention. It takes it. So why not use it.

Sportsball can transform people too… you have Mamoo and Nana (who by day have many grandchildren!) and lead normal lives. Maybe even boring to most. Not so much at their yearly Seattle vs whomever NFL game, trying to check another stadium off their list. Yep, they have a bucket list of stadiums to visit. And Mamoo is FIERCE. Don’t get between that bitch and her Seahawks. But call her a bitch and you’ll find yourself hitin the deck. (I’ll be first in line to punch you). You’ll find these amazing (did I mention tiny) ladies are mostly drunk, (not gonna lie, I fucking love that!) swearin’ like I do (love that too!) and havin’ the time of their lives. No men tellin them how to be fans, just two friends who have raised families and loved and lost and live life day to day- on their terms… they sports it up on their terms too. And they love the sport they may or may not have been introduced to by their husbands, but it is theirs now. Maybe this was always their sport. Maybe they loved all the sports. But now is not the time to get into politics.. whether they wanted to like football, whether they wanted to like this team, whether they are still fans… all we know is they are women, in a mans world and they FUCKING REPRESENT… LIKE BOSSES. Well Fuck Yeah Mamoo!

Lets be real… there many sports to watch. Football and Futbal- soccer… incidentally the most popular sport in the world. All. of. it. Not just the US or Europe you elitist bitches, but the whole fucking thing. I could give a shit less about a bunch of people running for 90+ minutes for 2 or 3 whole points but whatevs, I am not gonna judge (in this case). Enjoy a sport, be inspired to play. But don’t be fooled into thinking those players are role models for your life. They are not. There’s this idea that athletes- check that professional athletes- are gods. That they are these people we should teach our children to emulate. WHY?? Because they play sports on TV? Because they have a big salary? Guess what?!? Money and sports prowess does not a role model make. Sure I can get behind workin out everyday but that’s it. Running fast and kicking far and being strong does not mean you are a good example for kids. Making the world a better place by taking some of the multi-millions of dollars you earn being bigger,faster,stronger… that does. Believing in something and standing behind isn’t on top… that’s good stuff.

So whether or not you like sports is okay with me. I don’t like them all. But I appreciate the way they bring people together in a world that likes to be divided. So cheer on sports fans. YAY SPORTSBALL!!

Update! RDCV

Sometimes it’s just like that… one day you are entering the 300th invoice of the day for the crazy lady who thinks you suck because you didn’t enter 301 and you wonder what you did to karma. Then you realize you are smarter, more capable and oh yeah, way better looking than she is, thus you threaten her. Time to roll bitches! So you do. Possibly landing face first onto the asphlat (I will neither confirm nor deny how many times). So… dusty dusty shaky shaky and rolling forward. I landed myself a new career. And gusdammit if I’m not pretty good at it to boot.

On the days when I am not herding cats I’m pretty sure I am actually just the ringmaster of the shitshow. (No that isn’t mine… thanks BlueQ!) I ended up stumbling my way into what may the most misogynistic industry ever… Okay, maybe not the most, but for sure top 5 or 3, yeah 3. I would say commercial fishing or oil-rigs have fewer women, but I can’t think of many industries less welcoming to women than trucking, yet here I am. Not that it’s been all shits and giggles. (See what I did there?? You missed me you know you did!)

I started at what I thought was the worst place ever. Not the job, the dude. An under-cover woman hater. Boy-next-door good looks, all-american with the wife and volleyball team of crotch-fruit. Can’t be bad right? He hired me and I’m a loud opinionated bitch! Oh wait, not always… loud. So I endured that because the work was fun. It was a lot like babysitting and being a big sister and playing tetris. Only with big-ass men and 53′ trucks loaded at 40 tons. Plus there was some juicy shit happening with the wife and the bff. Popcorn worthy. Then one day I find myself sold off like so much cargo. He sold the trucks and threw in the humans too. So not the worst place ever… it was about to get worse real quick like.

There I was in my new work nightmare home with my new work overlords family. I am going to skip this for another time because frankly I could spend hours on it. New boss man made boy next door look like a girl. He didn’t hide his contempt for me and the fact that I had ‘no place in trucking’. It didn’t matter that I was bringing in new customers on reputation or making insane margins. All that mattered was what was missing between my legs. Oh well, his loss. Within an hour of leaving the office that last day I had 4 job offers from customers. And I’ve made it my passion to contact all the customers I had and offer them service at better rates than they had before. Because newsflash motherfucker… they are too big to fit between my legs, I have to strap them to my chest.

In the end I pushed past all that shit and end-rounded the stereo types. I escaped the super sexist assholes at the places I worked- where I went from an under-cover, nice to your face, guy next door misogynist… to an overt, balls-out -or you lack the proper equipment to play in my sandbox- women hater. But now… Life is amazing. I have a bad-ass bitch of a boss (she’s not even a bitch at all… more of a dick really. Again, another post entirely.) and an epic owner who wants me to succeed. So I am.

Ridin’ the Scales

The BiPolar Express game board has an update. I figured it was more a game and less a ride when I found out about the judgmental motherfuckers judges but we’ll get there later. It is definitely still an analog board so at least I can play along, I can keep up and my rose colored glasses are firmly mostly secure. Right now I can’t find the name of this updated addition but it has hills and scales and some other junk… I can’t really tell what sort of hell attraction this is but I’m scared excited.

There are many judges and they are disguised in several forms to keep you on your toes, never knowing when you will be under their scrutiny. They also have the ability to go from regular person to judge at any moment without warning – effectively shapeshifting without changing shape. You get scenarios and have to navigate through, coming out unscathed by the judges. I know you are excited about this and ready to play along- even though you don’t know the rules. But since I don’t know either… boom! Ready?

Here is the caveat… judges are not given training and they are not pre screened for mental defect. Also, judgment is on a gradient scale with many factors to the scale. I don’t know how the scale is formed but here is what I know… it can be ass. You think you are good and you are suddenly hit with a ration of shit. But whatever, it’s BPE2.0 Lets go…

First up- the units have been trudging along their merry life. They are miserable and try to suck you into their life but you resist. For this you are judged- you are not a good child… But you do give. You replace electronics and with one of your sibs pay bills and fix things as needed. For this you are judged- you are a good child… But you don’t come around. You don’t call and you don’t like them. How dare you not come around and be sucked into the vortex of grump? How dare you work hard and earn a living and better yourself and your situation while allowing them to stay stifled in their own…. You are continuously judged because you have neither done well enough by them nor for them. By bettering yourself, you now “think you are better than us”. ?!? But if you deny something they have requested you must not be doing well enough because you can’t even spare a few dollars but you can spend $500 here or whatever there…. You should not spend your money how you like. Judgement: Fail

Next up: Wait… I think I found an exit door. Maybe it will get me to pizza and they will have beer. I will investigate. Because I’m pretty sure I will lose the game if I don’t go medicate.

#truth

It’s All About Me

It seems lately I don’t want to do much of anything. Obviously I haven’t been writing, or I wouldn’t have that awful lag time between this and my last post. And that old adage that depression breeds creativity may have been real at one point but right now it feels like bullshit. Right now I want to create… a nest of blankets and take a nap. I want to go to sleep and catch up on what feels like 3 years of deprivation. I want to create a mind that doesn’t feel the stress and frustration of actual adulting. I want to create a bridge between how I used to create and now, so I can go back and drag its ass to the present.

Sitting down to write used to be fun. I wanted to spend more time at the keys than most other things. I thought of shit to say all the time. And I didn’t give a shit about who read it. If I was talking about you, oh well. You probably earned it. Chances are you earned worse than what I said, but I was being kind-ish. Okay, maybe that’s a stretch but its relative. Then people sorted out who I really was. In my actual life. My anonymous outlet ceased to be an outlet but a chore. It became an exercise in ways to disguise my truth. I don’t want to disguise my truth.

My truth isn’t always kind. My truth is that I get legitimately hurt by people in my life and my efforts to sort that out include writing about how painful it is. If seeing your actions hurts, maybe you shouldn’t take those actions. My truth is sometimes judgmental because as much as we try, sometimes we are judgmental. Sometimes its okay and sometimes its not. But its my truth. I am okay with it. Because sometimes I learn when I bear it.

So I don’t want to shroud my truth in bullshit. If you can’t read it, then don’t. I am not going to apologize for my truth. No, I am not going to start calling out names and using places and telling people where I live. But if you already know, fine. Suck it up and understand that sometimes it is about you. Sometimes it is not. Either way, this is my truth.

i don’t want to talk about politics

I don’t want to talk about politics.

I don’t want to talk about politics.

No, I don’t want to talk about politics.

I didn’t see the article on whatever about not dictator and his new regime. 

Really.

No, Really.

Fucking Really… I’m a woman, my opinion doesn’t matter right? I am just a vessel, a container. I am just an incubator for the seed you germinate within me right? You don’t need my brain… or do you? 

Do you? Oh, yeah, you need my brain and my womb… the 23 pairs that make the other half of your spawn. Because it takes two pair to make a human. You can’t do it with one pair. 

So maybe you don’t care about me. Maybe you don’t like my opinion. Maybe you think I’m a useless piece of waste. But you and your politics should pay attention. Because my womb, and my pair are important. We are a part of one another. We are written on each other’s DNA. You can’t separate me from that which I create. Take me from my home, take me from my family, take away my ability to choose… that will be your downfall.